The Pleasant Productions Blog

Last Week's Movies #50

2012-02-07T00:42:00.000+11:00

I watch so many movies that my movie memory is started to overload. So I've decided to start doing short reviews for each film I've watched during the week. Often they'll be movies I'm viewing for the first time, but some may be favourites that are getting their latest re-watch.

The Artist

(France/Belgium, 2011, Michel Hazanavicius)

10/10

Tied with Midnight in Paris as my favourite of 2011, The Artist is a pretty spectacular affair. George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is a star of silent films. But as the talkies enter the picture and he refuses to "talk", his world comes crumbling down. While the idea of a homage to the silent era didn't exactly excite me at first, Michel Hazanavicius and his amazing cast pull it off with class. The Artist works because it is straight-faced. This is not a parody poking fun at the films of yesteryear, the film is not "mugging" to the audience (as Jean Dujardin's George Valentin is accused of). But The Artist is also entirely aware that it is not a film from the silent era, and while its appearance and performances are authentic, Hazanavicius is not afraid to be playful and include sound in some incredibly inventive ways. The Artist is also more than just a homage, the story is incredibly touching and I found myself getting reasonably carried away with emotion (a rarity for a cold bastard like me). The plot is simple, but the characters that tell it are perfect. Dujardin is brilliant as George Valentin, playing the lovably smug silent star beautifully. Bérénice Bejo is similarly fantastic as Peppy, bouncing off Dujardin with the greatest of ease. The Artist also, quite honestly, features the best animal "acting" I've seen for a long time. A true masterpiece, The Artist is best seen than talked about. It sounds simple enough on paper, but on screen, Hazanavicius and Dujardin have created - and I don't use this word often when talking about movies - magic.

Benny's Video

(Austria, 1992, Michael Haneke)

9/10

Haneke is like the cinematic equivalent of the Catholic church. He loves making his audience feel guilty. The finger shaking of Benny's Video is perhaps only second to Funny Games as Haneke drills his message into our skulls with delight. I really respect Michael Haneke's filmmaking, and, after watching a few interviews with him, he is clearly an intelligent, thoughtful man. I entirely respect his opinions and his right to convince us of their truth. And he always makes a great argument. But still, while I agree with some of what Haneke has to say, for the most part, I have to disagree with him. But more on that later. Benny's Video stars Arno Frisch as the teenage Benny. Benny loves to watch videos, especially violent ones. He lives in a dark room, is mostly ignored by his parents and does his homework with obnoxious music blaring as the television flickers in the background. One day, Benny takes a girl home and reenacts his favourite video. The video is of a pig being slaughtered.

Rather than view Benny's Video as Haneke's middle finger to media violence, I prefer to look at the other points he raises of saturation and isolation. I don't believe Haneke is merely saying "if you watch violent videos, you will turn into Benny" or "if you don't love your kids enough, they'll turn into Benny". He's saying both those things, but there is more to Benny's violent act than just bad parenting. Benny's mind is warped from living in darkness, without contact and being saturated by media. Arno Frisch puts in a shockingly good performance. (It's a little bit fun to imagine that Benny grows up to be his character from Funny Games.) And Haneke keeps his script layered and secretive enough that there's no real answer to Benny's actions. Benny seems to develop a conscience in the film's latter half, but Frisch keeps his emotions bottled. There is no outburst of guilt - like we see from his mother - that confirms a conscience and his unexpected actions in the film's final scenes remain a mystery. Benny's Video is great filmmaking whether you agree with Haneke's thoughts on violent imagery or not.

Blast-Off Girls

(USA, 1967, Herschell Gordon Lewis)

5.5/10

Blast-Off Girls is garbage, but if you're familiar with Herschell Gordon Lewis, you probably already knew that. Lewis doesn't really have a "good" film to his name, but that's not why we watch his movies. Yes, Blast-Off Girls is garbage. It is great garbage. Unlike Lewis's most famous films, there's no gore to be found here. That's not to say there's no exploitative elements on display. There is. Not in the form of violence and sex, but in the form of bad acting, stupid dialogue and Colonel fuckin' Sanders. Yes, you read right, COLONEL fuckin' SANDERS is in this movie. "The real Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken?" I hear you ask. "Yes," I answer, "Colonel motherfuckin' Sanders." After seeing his face slapped over billboards and chicken burger wrappings, Sanders appears like some sort of mythical being, but yes, the man is real and stinks up this movie a storm. Sure, his scene is merely a cameo, but by golly by gosh, that is enough. In a quick summary of the story, a bunch of idiots in a band sign up with a dodgy manager - a manager with a menagerie of slutty girls that do his evil bidding - and get swindled. Anyway, the manager's assistant needs to get some fried chicken for the band, so he visits KFC. And guess fucking what? Colonel fuckin' Sanders is behind the desk and gives him free chicken in exchange for a fuckin' song! Thanks, Colonel fuckin' Sanders! Sanders rambles through his lines like an intoxicated Edith Massey. He attempts to stumble out of shot at one point, but does quite reach the edge of frame. That moment alone makes Blast-Off Girls a must see for everyone in the world. I realise I've spent the whole review talking about Colonel Sanders, but really, that's the reason to see this. There are other kind of entertaining things in it too, but who cares? Colonel fuckin' Sanders!

Fantastic Mr. Fox

(USA, 2009, Wes Anderson)

9.5/10

Some people really hate Wes Anderson. They call him things like "pretentious" and throw words around like "pandering" and "hipster". Anderson's films have a style that has been relentlessly imitated by lesser directors - directors that have probably never heard of the films that influence Anderson - and perhaps that is where this hatred comes from. And discard Anderson as some kind of hipster is wrong. He's had a consistent style that was around long before the wave of post-2006 hipsterdom appeared. I'm sure some people have legitimate reasons to dislike his work, but I personally love him and think he has not put a step wrong in his impressive and upwardly evolving career.

His adaptation of Roald Dahl's Fantastic Mr. Fox is one of his finest films and an exciting foray into animation. Fantastic Mr. Fox was pretty well received back in 2009, but it seemed to come and go quite quietly. I'm not sure why because - purely from a technical standpoint - the film is absolutely amazing. The animation is beautiful, and even the most staunch of Anderson haters would have to admit this. Every hair on every animated animal's head can be seen moving with the animation and - as a friend of mine put it - it's almost as if Anderson is telling us "look, this is real stop motion". Stop motion aside, Fantastic Mr. Fox contains all the heart and humour I've come to enjoy in Anderson's work. Fantastic Mr. Fox keeps its pace and laughs consistent, while the action quietly grows to a very exciting finale. The voice acting makes for an interesting choice; the animals speak in American accents, while the human world outside are distinctively British. I thought I'd find this irritating, but somehow it works. Anderson, as always, has a great ear for music and uses some excellent and strangely fitting tracks. If you like Wes Anderson, see this, if not, steer clear. It won't change your mind about him.

Godzilla
aka Gojira

(Japan, 1954, Ishirô Honda)

10/10

Despite all its goofy sequels and spin-offs - that I love dearly - the original Godzilla remains a powerful movie. As much as I enjoy the franchise that followed it, it cannot be topped. The effects are unbelievable and, even today, look absolutely fantastic. The use of miniatures gives Godzilla its iconic and Japanese look that no American film has managed to replicate. The (literal) darkness of this original film - all of the destruction takes place at night - adds a grittiness to the effects that few of the sequels possess. Similarly unlike its sequels, the original Godzilla has a story ripe with tragedy and human loss. This is the only entry in the franchise that truly shows the destruction that the giant radioactive monster leaves in his path. We are shown long scenes of human suffering, and the attack on Godzilla is justified. The human characters are also far better than what we see in some of the lesser sequels. Characters have conflicts - internal and external - that are understandable and not what you'd expect from your average monster movie. Godzilla is the king of monsters, and Godzilla is the king of monster movies.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla
aka Gojira tai Mekagojira

(Japan, 1974, Jun Fukuda)

8.5/10

Godzilla movies from the 70s have a reputation for being cheesy and silly. They are. And I love them for it. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla is one of the best from the 70s and is a good precursor to what I consider the best Godzilla sequel of the Showa period Terror of Mechagodzilla. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla is flat out fun. Not only does this contain the first appearance of Godzilla's greatest foe, Mechagodzilla, we also have the idiotic King Caesar and the reliable Anguirus to keep us entertained.

King Caesar is perhaps the oddest monster in the Godzilla series. The film builds him up ridiculously, but when he finally shows up he is utterly useless. I'm not sure if this was some sort of brilliant joke or a terrible fuck up. Either way, it's great. Anguirus cops a hideous beating from Mechagodzilla. This scene is the only time I could describe a fight between giant monsters as traumatising. Mechagodzilla rips the poor bastard's mouth open. And this is the last time Anguirus is seen in the movies for a couple of decades... harsh. But the star of Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla is obviously the great Mechagodzilla. Mechagodzilla is a wonderful mix of awesomeness and stupidity. The idea of a robotic recreation of Godzilla is ridiculous, but amazing. Mechagodzilla has a personality of his own and I believe the two 70s incarnations is him at his best. Outside of the monsters, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla also scores points for its ape-men villains and cast of Godzilla regulars. Yup, this one delivers the goods.

Just for the Hell of It

(USA, 1968, Herschell Gordon Lewis)

6/10

Just for the Hell of It is a weird little film, even by Herschell standards. The story is repetitive and, not surprisingly, nearly nonexistent. A bunch of assholes like smashing up places and messing with people. Just for the hell of it. They put babies in trashcans, spray people with water and trip over blind men. Yeah, they're a pack of dicks. When a tough guy stands up to them, their destructive behaviour takes a turn for the worse. Just for the Hell of It is pretty annoying. We get scene after scene of meaningless destruction and after a while you'll be begging for even a splash of plot. That said, the destruction is funny. These nasty punks really enjoy getting people wet. Lewis directs this one with surprising creativity. He does some interesting stuff with scene transitions and there's some reasonable camerawork amongst the stilted wonky wide shots. But we don't watch Lewis for quality. The giggles come from the ineptitude. And in that respect, Lewis does well. The dialogue is hilariously stuffy and the performances are fantastically dead. Ray Sager, however, is a lot of fun as the over the top gang leader. Just for the Hell of It is not Lewis at his best or worst, but fans will get some solid entertainment out of it.

Rushmore

(USA, 1998, Wes Anderson)

10/10

While I think Anderson has perfected his style since Rushmore, it remains my favourite of his films. It's difficult to say why. Perhaps it's the nostalgia - as this was one of the first films to really interest me in filmmaking - but I don't think my vision is completely nostalgically glazed. The characters and story still drag me in each time. Schwartzman is amazing in the leading role (unbelievable that this was his first acting job) as Max Fischer. Schwartzman was born to play Max and, while I think he's a great actor, I don't think he'll ever top this performance. Bill Murray is a brilliant match for Max as Herman. The rest of the cast is made up of performances both loudly brilliant (Stephen McCole, Brian Cox) and quietly excellent (Olivia Williams, Mason Gamble). Seymour Cassel and Sara Tanaka are particular stand outs in the supporting cast. Anderson directs this early effort with confidence and, though I enjoy Bottle Rocket, with Rushmore the beginnings of a unique filmmaker can really be seen. I think there will always be a place for Rushmore in my list of favourite movies.

Sahara

(USA, 2005, Breck Eisner)

6.5/10

Sahara is certainly not a bad movie. But a week has past since I watched it, and I'm struggling to think of anything to say about it. This is my biggest problem with Sahara; it wasn't particularly memorable. To be fair, it's not the sort of movie I tend to seek out and those more appreciative of this genre would most likely enjoy it a lot more. It has a good enough cast. Steve Zahn is always good and even McConaughey is not too bad. The action is consistent, but not exactly revolutionary. Most of the effects are decent, although the CGI cheapens the impact (as it always does). The movie has an irritating habit of making generic filmic choices. For example, we're forced to endure "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Magic Carpet Ride" on the film's annoying soundtrack. Why are those songs so overused by Hollywood? They are also badly implemented. "Sweet Home Alabama" is used in a totally inappropriate way, and "Magic Carpet Ride" is lamely obvious. Sahara also has a very mediocre look to it. It's well shot, but nothing about it stands out. I suppose I'm being too harsh. Sahara kept me entertained, but I have no desire to ever see it again.

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

(USA, 2012, Tim Heidecker & Eric Wareheim)

9.5/10

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie has had a weirdly negative reaction. I'm not talking about critics or those that already hate the comedy of Tim and Eric. They were going to despise this no matter what. It's the hatred coming from the fans that's surprised me. The popular opinion seems to be that Tim and Eric have "sold out" (what an overused phrase). I've heard fans saying that the movie adheres to "normal" comedic standards (one reviewer gave the use of pedophilia jokes and wolves as an example of generic comedy... no joke) and that any fan saying the movie is good is a "sheep". Well, I guess I'm part of the flock, because I think that Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie is a huge success.

Tim and Eric smartly move away from their focus of attack from their television show (parodies of horrible television) and aim their insanity towards bad movie conventions. Not to say that Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie is a parody of bad movies in an obvious winking to the camera kind of way (although there is a very funny moment of that) and happily we still get a splash of classic Tim and Eric in the film's fantastic moments of fake commercials and corporate videos. Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie also brings to mind their first show Tom Goes to the Mayor with its horribly depressing locations and characters. Most importantly, the movie is hysterical. The laughs are relentless with some scenes keeping me laughing for minutes after they were over. The stand out moment is a makeover (or makeunder) scene that got me laughing harder than I've laughed at anything by Tim and Eric. No matter how this movie does when it's released in cinemas, I'm very pleased that Tim and Eric have most definitely not "sold out". As if they ever would.

Welcome Home, Soldier Boys

(USA, 1972, Richard Compton)

6/10

Welcome Home, Soldier Boys is odd. Attempting what First Blood would perfect a decade later, the film looks at a group of American soldiers returning from Vietnam to a world that does not accept them. Sort of. That's what the blurb would have you believe. But really, nothing that bad happens to our heroes in Welcome Home, Soldier Boys and as for most troubles that arise, well, they seem to be the antagonists. The characters are difficult to connect with. They are not sympathetic, so it's hard to justify their shockingly terrible actions. It's true that its build up and underlying tension is more subtle than what we see in First Blood, but that doesn't necessarily make it better. However, I was interested in where the film was heading as it slowly chugged along and the exploits of the soldiers are weirdly fascinating. Watching Welcome Home, Soldier Boys purely as exploitation, it fares a little better, especially when we look at the film's head-shakingly nutty finale. The ending of Welcome Home, Soldier Boys is absolute carnage. It feels like we enter a new genre, yet somehow it's almost appropriate. A strange film, but worth a watch purely as a curiosity item.

Funnies of the Week #60

2012-02-04T01:47:00.000+11:00

Beautiful

This is horrific

A great moment that didn't make it into the movie

This man is a walking nightmare

Last Week's Movies #49

2012-01-30T16:52:00.001+11:00

Family

(Japan, 2001, Takashi Miike)

4.5/10

I've been digging through some of Takashi Miike's less respectable efforts in an attempt to reach my impossible New Year's resolution of seeing every single one of his movies (that is a fucking lot for those unfamiliar with his prolific output). In recent reviews I've said that Silver was his worst I've seen, but Family easily takes it place. It really is unbelievable how poisonous Hisao Maki (the writer, producer and co-star of Family) is when collaborating with Miike. Each production they've collaborated on shows Miike at his worst. Bodyguard Kiba was a bit of fun, and its cheapness was acceptable being that it was an early Miike effort. Silver isn't allowed this consideration, being from 1999, but at least you could see a splash of Miike sneaking through the stupidity. But Family is just trash. Not to say it wasn't entertaining at times - as most trash is - but you'd be hard pressed to convince someone of Miike's genius by showing them this.

The mind boggles to think that this came out the same year that Miike made Ichi the Killer, Happiness of the Katakuris and Visitor Q. Three movies that rank amongst his absolute best. What the hell happened here? Family looks horrible, but its shot on video aesthetics are no excuse. Miike has worked wonders with video before. Here, he is completely out of control. Using horrible iMovie-esque filters at random and cross-dissolving wildly between shots. Again, Miike has used this over the top editing to decent effect before in work such as MPD Psycho, but here its meaninglessness makes it a disaster. Miike's presence is so detached from Family that I almost wonder if Miike made these films with Maki as a personal favour, or perhaps he treated them as an opportunity to experiment with video effects. But enough with Miike's failings, Maki is just as guilty in delivering this mediocre garbage. His "script" is an embarrassment.

Maki presents a juvenile yakuza tale that is needlessly convoluted and utterly half-arsed. I'd like to say it's full of holes, but the whole thing is a gaping hole. The film literally stops - and yes, I'm aware that Family is split into two entries in the West, and I watched both. We've got the incredibly weak story of a family of three brothers - confusingly named Hideshi, Takeshi and Takashi - that cause trouble in the yakuza. Takeshi (Taisihû Kase) is a hitman and is hired to kill a high ranking mobster. After the assassination, the yakuza family sends the brothers to find Takeshi, but along the way they uncover a trail of deception from their own bosses. Oh and another mobster called Kenmoshi (Ken'ichi Endô) also joins in, kidnapping Takashi's wife and raping her. Family is a mess. My brief plot outline is cleaning it up a lot and leaving out a lot of the useless details. Essentially, Family is an excuse for a finale in the Philippines with explosives and gunfire. Normally, I'd be fine with that, but I wish Maki had of taken the time to write an actual ending. To be fair, as disastrous as Maki's script is, Family is entertaining yakuza nonsense. I was enjoying the film's silly story on the level of cheap and violent entertainment and rarely did I feel bored. But the film's ending is such a middle finger to the audience, that any entertainment is wiped away.

Family is pure exploitation. Unlike Miike's better films, where violence and sex is used cleverly, Family is macho, misogynist, violent silliness and nothing more. Being a fan of trashy exploitation, I'm not offended by that. But I have to say, the rape scene in Family is despicable and would be more at home in a repulsive Japanese rape-porn than a cheesy yakuza film. It doesn't help that the rape scene almost feels as if it's played for laughs with Ken'ichi Endô yukking it up something rotten. Talking about Endô, he is - despite his uselessness in the film's larger story - one of the better things in Family. Endô is a truly great Miike regular and he has a lot of fun with his goofy role. In fact, the whole cast serves Family far better than Maki's script deserves with no real weak links in sight. I think if I had watched Family without knowing it was a Takashi Miike film, I would have tolerated it a little more. It is as thick as they come, but it works as an exploitation film. But Miike in the director's chair creates big expectations, and Family is by far his biggest letdown. At least, so far...

Manhattan Murder Mystery

(USA, 1993, Woody Allen)

8.5/10

My Woody Allen education continues with Manhattan Murder Mystery, and yet again, I'm left cursing my previous unfounded hatred of Allen's work. (To be fair, I did start with Anything Else and Melinda and Melinda.) Manhattan Murder Mystery is not exactly a timeless masterpiece, but it's certainly a fun and tight film. Watching Diane Keaton and Woody Allen on screen again and solving a murder is an absolute blast. Throw in the brilliant Angelica Huston (one of my favourite actresses) and the always reliable Alan Alda and you've got a crackling good film. Manhattan Murder Mystery feels like a quickie - and supposedly it was, a film made quickly to distract from Allen's personal problems at the time. The locations and cast are both limited, and it didn't feel like Allen was attempting to make any kind of grandiose statement. But this does not hinder the film in any way, in fact its "smallness" makes it feel more humble and strips away all pretensions making Manhattan Murder Mystery an endearing little film.

M. Hulot's Holiday
aka Les vacances de Monsieur Hulot

(France, 1953, Jacques Tati)

8.5/10

M. Hulot's Holiday may not reach the level of perfection displayed in Tati's Play Time and even Mon Oncle, but that doesn't stop it from being quite brilliant in its own right. In fact, it's down to earth aspirations perhaps make it an easier viewing, especially when compared to the overwhelming Play Time. Tati is an artist of visual comedy and M. Hulot's Holiday is an excellent introduction to his talents. Following the iconic Monsieur Hulot on his - at first, somewhat depressing - beach holiday, Tati presents a series of comedic set ups that could almost function as individual skits. Not all are hilarious, but they are all wonderfully creative and masterfully executed. Even if Tati's comedy is not to your taste, it would be difficult not to appreciate Tati's beautiful framing and lovely locations. I would also find it hard to imagine any viewer not enjoying the character of Hulot. Hulot is the influence for many comedic characters - which ones will become obvious after viewing the film - but Tati's performance is hard to top. I highly recommend starting with M. Hulot's Holiday for viewers new to Jacques Tati.

Mon Oncle

(France, 1958, Jacques Tati)

9/10

It's fascinating to study the upward steps in quality in Tati's work between M. Hulot's Holiday and Play Time. M. Hulot's Holiday is great and Play Time is perfection, while Mon Oncle sits comfortable in between in the category of near perfection. Mon Oncle feels as if it is a warm up for Play Time with its similar themes and attitudes towards technology. Mon Oncle is not quite as good as Play Time, but, like M. Hulot's Holiday, it is more grounded and structured. Play Time appears as if it was made on another planet and almost moves beyond the world of comprehensible cinema, whereas Mon Oncle feels more akin to a narrative film. That's not to say there's not mouthwatering otherworldly genius to be found, it just feels as if Tati has contained it within a reasonably structured story. In some ways, this makes Mon Oncle a better film than Play Time - even though it's not - and it certainly makes it a less exhausting watch. The aesthetic of Mon Oncle is difficult to describe. The sets and ridiculous futuristic (and failed) technology Tati presents are absurd and unlike anything you'll ever see, yet they are also rooted in familiar reality. The characters - both pretentious and humble - are similarly simultaneously alien and familiar. Outside of his pleasing aesthetics, Tati pushes his comedy set pieces to new levels in Mon Oncle. The party scene stands as one of the most impressive scenes of comedic escalation I've ever seen. Watch Mon Oncle in a double bill with Play Time and feel your brain shiver in ecstasy with the combination of visual artistry and comedy.

Return of the Streetfighter
aka Satsujin ken 2

(Japan, 1974, Shigehiro Ozawa)

7/10

Return of the Streetfighter is very much a sequel. It is very similar to the first, only with less creativity and energy. Characters that died in the first are replaced with less interesting ones with identical functions (Chiba's sidekick being the prime example). The action is still there, but is less gory and visceral. (That said, Chiba does punch a guy so hard that his eyeballs pop out.) Return of the Streetfighter's biggest problem is the abundance of useless karate training footage. It feels as if a third of the movie is dedicated to karate demonstrations. On the plus side, while Return of the Streetfighter may not be as good as the original, it's no slouch either. The film is fast paced with an appropriately slim running time and, ignoring the karate montages, it fills the screen with a lot of action. The soundtrack sadly does not use the Streetfighter theme song enough, but it is still of a high quality in terms of classic 70s martial arts scores. Sonny Chiba is, of course, as charismatic and brutal as ever and a few returning characters from the original put on a good show. Probably the worst of the Streetfighter series, but still a decent enough martial arts film.

Swamp Country

(USA, 1966, Robert Patrick)

7/10

Swamp films are started to become a favourite of mine in the world of exploitation films. I've only seen a handful of them, but they have a wonderful authenticity to them no matter how silly their stories are. Swamp Country contains a shot that is a good summation of this authenticity - a sheriff, along with some helpful hillbillies (they look like real swamp rats, not actors), walk along the edge of a swamp, a a gator approaches them and they shoo it away shouting "get, get" (pronounced "git, git"). This was all captured in a beautiful, and bumpy, tracking shot. It felt real, like something captured between takes as the cameraman followed the actors to the next shooting location. This rawness is Swamp Country's greatest asset. Not that the story is terrible, but it's not exactly memorable. In a brief outline, a woman is strangled in a motel, it is blamed on the man staying next door to her. He escapes to the swamp and the sheriff (with helpful hillbillies in tow) take chase. Unfortunately, the man is some kind of ex-jungle survivalist. Meanwhile, the sheriff and Baker Knight (playing himself) fight over a girl who is attempting to solve the mystery of the murder.

Along with its thick swampy atmosphere, Swamp Country benefits from an excellent cast. No one here is a particularly good actor, but they all suit their roles well. Baker Knight is especially great. Knight is a singer-songwriter (in real life and in the movie) and penned some big hit songs. We are treated to a few songs from Knight, and, without any hint of irritating irony, I truly enjoyed them. His songs had a grittiness to their lyrics that was very much in tune with the film. The rest of the cast is rounded out with a platter of not-particularly-television-friendly faces. We have haggard old storekeepers, toothless hicks and characters that are completely incomprehensible (but enjoy to laugh manically). Yeah, it's pretty great. The worst thing about Swamp Country is its dull love story and female lead. Carolyn Gilbert's performance is about as mediocre as her looks, and her quest to solve the murder case so she can decide between her two suitors is not very engaging and sadly steals quite a bit of the film's running time. But luckily, the exciting swamp shenanigans drown out the film's duller moments. Swamp Country - in all its ham-fisted glory - is high quality, gentle trash.

Underground

(France/FR Yugoslavia/Germany/Hungary, 1995, Emir Kusturica)

9/10

I left this film last to review this week, because I honestly don't know where to start. It's difficult to summarise Emir Kusturica's Underground in words, but some of the following are a good start: obnoxious, indulgent and brilliant. But I think if I had to pick only one word it would be assaultive (even though my spell check is adamant that it's not a real word). Underground is such an assault on the senses that, within five minutes, I had a piercing headache. We are bombarded with frantic music, gunfire, explosions and zoo animals, all occurring simultaneously. Yes, it is as painful as it is genius. Kusturica doesn't let up either and the film remains consistently frenetic till its insane finale. Underground follows Marko (Miki Manojlovic) and Blacky (Lazar Ristovski) - two men that could either be described as charismatic criminals or part time freedom fighters (I'd stick with the former) - as they move through Yugoslavian history from WWII to more recent struggles. Although supposedly the best of friends, Marko steals Blacky's unwilling love interest Natalija (Mirjana Jokovic) in the most horrendous of betrayals.

Underground sounds quite grim and serious, and there is no denying the intelligence of its satire. But Kusturica presents the dark history of Yugoslavia an unexpectedly playful and energetic manner. I wouldn't say that this film is light viewing - not in the slightest - but Kusturica laces Underground with a strong and wild sense of humour. And it works, for the most part. At times, Underground is too much. At nearly three hours of continuous intensity, it can become draining, and it left me dazed and frazzled as the end credits rolled. But I'm sure that was Kusturica's intentions. While I was impressed with the incredible filmmaking and inventive chaos tossed around onscreen, I must admit that my lack of knowledge in the area of Yugoslavian history meant that Underground's deeper meaning was lost on me. Underground was certainly a fascinating viewing, but I think I require a second watch after an extensive history lesson.

What Have I Done to Deserve This?
aka ¿Qué he hecho yo para merecer esto!!

(Spain, 1984, Pedro Almodóvar)

9.5/10

This is it. This is the film that converts me into a full fledged Almodóvar fanatic. I've enjoyed everything I've seen by Almodóvar up to this point (which is admittedly, not enough), but What Have I Done to Deserve This? absolutely demolished me. What Have I Done to Deserve This? is a bit of everything. It's offensive, it's heartwarming, it's depressing and it's incredibly funny. Almodóvar and actress Carmen Maura give us the character Gloria. Gloria has a rotten life. Her husband (Ángel de Andrés López) is a sour taxi driver that obsesses over his past affair with a Nazi sympathiser. One of her sons is dealing smack and her other son whores himself out to pedophiles. Her mother-in-law (the great Chus Lampreave) hoards fizzy drinks and brings a lizard into the house. And her neighbour (Verónica Forqué) is a whore who invites Gloria to watch her in the act. Not to mention, Gloria is addicted to no-doze and has no qualms in selling her son to a lustful dentist.

While it sounds like a depressing affair, What Have I Done to Deserve This? is not quite as dark as it sounds. Somehow, Almodóvar manages to - quite horribly - joke about terrible things such as pedophilia and murder and still retains a fairly lighthearted tone, no matter how black his comedy is. What Have I Done to Deserve This? is loose in its plotting, but when the credits rolled, I felt quite emotional in the film's, admittedly ridiculous, conclusion. Almodóvar manages to tie things up neatly in a wonderfully messy movie. The cast of Almodóvar regulars are a great attribute to the film. Maura is excellent as the film's centrepiece. Chus Lampreave steals the show as the grandmother and Ángel de Andrés López's constant aggressive gloominess put a huge smile on my face. What Have I Done to Deserve This? may appear to represent the world we know, but it operates on its own logic. Scenes with telekinesis and death by meat reminded me of this and kept me on my toes. What Have I Done to Deserve This? is crude, but if you can appreciate Almodóvar's cheeky surreality and melodrama you will most likely love this as much as I do.

Funnies of the Week #59

2012-01-27T19:16:00.001+11:00

The country

In honour of Invasion Day

Yup

It has been heaven in Melbourne this week for tennis nerds like myself, so here's a tennis funny

I've never played Minecraft before, but this had me gagging with laughs

Last Week's Movies #48

2012-01-23T20:57:00.000+11:00

Andromedia

(Japan, 1998, Takashi Miike)

6/10

It's pretty hard to tell that Andromedia is directed by Takashi Miike. It features a few of his regulars, but other than that, there's no other indicators that I could see. That said, Andromedia is still quite entertaining, in the same way a cheesy Australian kid's show from the mid-90s is. Despite being a Japanese feature film, this film shares a lot in common with mediocre Australian television for children - the villains in particular look like they crawled out of ABC for Kids. Andromedia's story is also well suited to kid's telly (ignoring the bloodied gunshot wounds): a girl is killed so her dad recreates a perfect computerised version of her, a variety of villains want to "kidnap" her and her boyfriend tries to protect her. Andromedia is little more than a vehicle for two J-Pop bands - Speed, an all girl band (the leader of the group takes on the role of the computerised Mai), and Da Pump, a classic late-90s boy band. Its pop ties can either be seen as the film's greatest asset or its greatest hindrance. Either way, there's no escaping them.

The performances from the pop stars are not exactly horrible, but the characters that Da Pump play are entirely useless. The most they contribute is a song that interrupts the story. Yes, Andromedia takes a break for a music video that, at first, appears to only involve Da Pump as we cut between their performance and a montage of the film's characters, but then the camera pulls out to reveal our two leads watching Da Pump as they perform on stage. Surreal, to say the least. It doesn't (or does, depending on your taste) help that it occurs right after the characters Da Pump play (are they just Da Pump?) are involved in an explosive car crash. Was their weird little performance a moment of triumph after surviving the crash? Who knows. No matter what its reason, the moment the song started up, I was in absolute hysterics. It is terrible, but completely amazing.

Andromedia's effects are also firmly wedged in the 1990s television arena, which I found quite endearing. I also had to respect the film's occasional moments of violence. The violence is entirely inappropriate against the backdrop of a gentle and silly story, and, as you'd probably know if you've ever read my reviews, I like jarring inappropriateness. The film also deserves a look for the appearance of Christopher Doyle (yes, renowned cinematographer Christopher Doyle) who is the film's goofy leading villain. Doyle is a horrid actor, and his performance is like watching a train wreck. But more importantly, what the hell is Doyle doing in this movie? He's a cinematographer, not an actor. Or am I missing something? The casting director for Andromedia certainly deserves an award for completely ruining my brain. Pop stars and Christopher Doyle - wow. Outside of its so-bad-it's-good qualities, Andromedia is, while a bit long, quite acceptable as a relatively decent film for teenagers (or at least teenagers of the late 90s). The story is cheesy, but comprehensible, and some of the characters are fairly engaging. Andromedia is, of course, far from Miike's best work, but fans should definitely check this out purely as a curiosity item.

Dead Girl Walking
aka Za horâ kaiki gekijô: Kaiki! Shinin shôjo

(Japan, 2004, Kôji Shiraishi & Kazuhiro Yokoyama)

7/10

I left this entry in the Hideshi Hino's Theater of Horror series to last, because I'd heard bad things about it and I'd never read the story by Hino. Surprisingly though, Dead Girl Walking is actually pretty good. It's not the best in the series, but it's certainly far from the worst. Dead Girl Walking is the very Hino-esque tale of a girl that dies, but remains a walking, and entirely conscious, corpse. Her family attempt to remove her from the house after her rotten stench becomes unbearable. In a moment of self-defense, she winds up puncturing her mother's eye. Her mother then, wildly swinging a knife with blood spraying from her eye, accidentally kills the dead girl's younger sister. The dead girl heads off to the outside world and finds that she runs into even more trouble with both friends and strangers. Dead Girl Walking is cheap. It's full of sub-par effects - both digital and practical - and does not hide its shot-on-DV looks. It has the appearance of a student film from the early 2000s. Yet somehow, it kind of works, and it's quite entertaining and appropriately grim. The effects - while cheap - are fun and excessive. We get geysers of blood and body parts galore. The story is effective and - even though I haven't read the original story - is very much in tune with Hino's work. I won't be returning to this one any time soon, but still, it is a fine effort.

Desperado

(USA, 1995, Robert Rodriguez)

8.5/10

It's funny how Rodriguez regressed as a filmmaker. The man's best film is probably his first and from 2000 onwards, he's made almost nothing but garbage. I'm not his biggest fan, but I respect what he can do with a film when he puts an effort in. Desperado is one of his few great films. This is Rodriguez before his obsession with making films on the cheap encompassed him, Rodriguez before he tried his hand at faux-Grindhouse films (Grindhouse itself, I love - even though Planet Terror was a bit average - Machete on the other hand...) and, most importantly, Rodriguez before Spy Kids. There's no awful digital video or painful CGI, just the fun, over the top action that Rodriguez does so well. Desperado has an exciting cast (with lots of great cameos thrown in), a great soundtrack and score and enough wild camerawork to fit into two Raimi films. I wish Rodriguez still made them like this.

Gamera 2: Attack of the Legion
aka Gamera 2: Region shurai

(Japan, 1996, Shûsuke Kaneko)

8.5/10

I'm a big Godzilla fan, but I'm not well versed in Gamera, having only seen one other film starring the famous kaiju. After watching Gamera 2: Attack of the Legion, I'm definitely keen... no... gagging for some more Gamera action! Gamera 2 is a quality monster movie and is as good as the best Godzilla movies of the 90s. First of all, it delivers on the monsters (something that, surprisingly, a lot of these movies fail miserably at). Gamera and Legion look amazing. They are brilliantly designed and - other than a bit of dodgy CGI - the practical effects used to create them are fantastic. Gamera 2 also scores huge points for having human characters that aren't totally useless. Yes, the humans actually help out Gamera, and I'm not just talking moral support. However, Gamera 2 understands what its audience wants and doesn't spend too long with the humans. No, this is Gamera's film. He is the star, and he is great.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

(USA, 2011, David Fincher)

9/10

I know this will be sacrilege to fans of the book (and don't get me wrong, I quite like the book, flaws and all), but Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is not only one of the best films of 2011, it's also a film that improves on its source material. I prefer to see books and their adaptions as separate entities. A story will obviously have to change when moved from the page to the screen, and that's not a bad thing. But it's hard to ignore the improvements in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - this is about as good as adaptations get. It stays mostly true to its source material, but strips back the fat that I personally felt hindered the book somewhat. It may have a long running time, but Fincher's film is tight, cutting out sections that slowed the book down and tweaking story elements to suit the celluloid format. Only one of the changes (which I can't mentioned without ruining it for those that haven't read the book) bothered me, and it was very minor. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is quite an achievement. The cast is wonderful. Daniel Craig makes for an excellent lead, while Rooney Mara is total perfection as Lisbeth. The film looks so good it almost made me nauseous. From the manic opening titles to the cold, snowy landscape, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a visual delight. And then there's the music. Trent Reznor, once again, gives us a unique and thundering score that knows when to impose and when to fade into the background. It is perhaps even better than his score for The Social Network. And that's saying a lot. Fans of the book should love this movie, and those that haven't read the book may like it even more.

Machete

(USA, 2010, Robert Rodriguez & Ethan Maniquis)

5/10

Often people that don't know me well, but know me well enough that I like the broad genres of horror and exploitation will tell me "oh, you'll love [insert some awful movie]". Usually, it's a recent piece of shit horror/exploitation movie that's either absolutely unwatchable or one of those irritating films that's really self-aware and ironic (Dead Snow being a prime offender). Machete is one of those films that I always get told I'll love by those that have no understanding of what I'm actually into. So, I finally watched it. And guess what, I don't like it. Just to give some background to this review, I love Grindhouse. I'm talking about the complete Grindhouse - Planet Terror and Death Proof, together with trailers before and in-between. That is Grindhouse to me, not those films by themselves. I thoroughly enjoyed the Machete trailer in Grindhouse and welcomed a full length version of it. But after seeing footage from this feature form, I was a bit turned off. And all my fears were confirmed after watching it.

Machete is entertaining enough and, admittedly, it never bored me. But my god, Rodriguez really does not seem to understand the genre he is supposedly paying tribute to. Machete feels more like a sneering parody than a tribute. While I was watching it and muttering "shit" under my breath, I got a few comments of "oh, it's meant to be shit". Yes, I'm well aware what it's meant to be. But Machete isn't the good sort of "shit". This isn't the fun "shit", the true b-movie "shit" it wants to be. Machete is shit in the way that a modern straight to DVD film is shit. Machete is as shit as every other "grindhouse" clone that followed Grindhouse. Its tribute to the grindhouse theater is about as true as the fake grain and scratches that swamp the screen. Yes, Machete is a failure. If it removed its misguided attempt at a tribute to the 70s, I'd probably be kinder to it. Even then, I'd still have problems with it. The CGI gore is perhaps the worst thing in Machete. Sure there's a lot of outrageous stuff happening onscreen, but it's hard to appreciate when it's badly rendered in CGI (again, the bad version of "shit", the grindhouses never screened films with half arsed CGI, because it didn't fucking exist). Machete has a few things going for it. Steven Segal is hilarious and Robert De Niro seems to take his role reasonably seriously, which works in the film's favour. It's also nice to see Trejo in a leading role. But - even ignoring its dismal failure as a homage - in the end, Machete kind of stinks. Its about half an hour too long, it looks like crap (in a shot on video kind of way) and there's little payoff in the film's slightly more interesting latter half. I confess that Machete held my attention, but it left me feeling pretty cranky. Leave the tribute-paying to Tarantino, Rodriguez. At least he's seen the movies he's ripping off.

El mariachi

(USA, 1992, Robert Rodriguez)

9/10

Low budget achievements don't come much more impressive than El mariachi. Most first time directors will attempt to make something manageable for their no budget debut, like a horror film or comedy. Not Robert Rodriguez. No, he went straight to the top and tried his hand at an action flick. And, unbelievably, he pulls it off. Not only is this a great action film, it's also, at least in my opinion, his best film. For starters, El mariachi has a wonderful style to its camerawork and editing. Sure, Rodriguez makes a few amateurish mistakes (like breaking the line pretty horrifically), but that's part of its low budget charm. What shines through is a creative energy that only a young filmmaker can possess. There is a willingness in El mariachi to try new techniques even if they fail. Watching the results of a young Rodriguez behind the camera generates the same excitement of seeing a young Sam Raimi's work. This energy and creativeness is something both Rodriguez and Raimi have long since lost, which is sad, but at least we have their early work to salivate over.

Mothra
aka Mosura

(Japan, 1961, Ishirô Honda)

5/10

Mothra is pretty well liked amongst rabid kaiju fans, so I feel a little nervous in saying that I didn't really dig it. Mothra has never been one of my favourite monsters, and here, without Godzilla, her flaws are truly exposed. Mothra looks cool, but she doesn't really do anything. First she crawls around for a painfully long time, then she finally gets herself into a cocoon to turn into the Mothra we know and love, but then all she does is fly around. I guess the wind from her wings knocks a few people over, but other than that, she's pretty useless. It doesn't help that it takes a whooping forty minutes before Mothra even shows up and an hour before we see her with wings. Every film featuring Mothra also suffers from an abundance of annoying songs - sorry, Mothra fans, but I can't stand those singing twins. Mothra is, without a doubt, the dullest film I've seen by the usually reliable Ishirô Honda. The film is not a total waste. As a lover of all things gigantic monsters, it is nice to see where Mothra got her start. Mothra in flight is also a wonder to behold and a true accomplishment of special effects. The film also opens decently enough with some fairly exciting jungle scenes with excellent sets. But all in all, Mothra is quite the let down.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico

(USA, 2003, Robert Rodriguez)

4.5/10

Let's not beat around the bush. Once Upon a Time in Mexico is a disaster. It's a mess of a movie with a contrived and overly complicated - but still stupid - plot with too many characters. It essentially ignores the story and spirit of its predecessors and strips el Mariachi from his rightful leading role. It also looks like dog shit. Rodriguez may not be able to see the difference between film and video, but I can (and everyone else I watched the movie with - the first time I saw it in the cinema and this time at home). We are also assaulted with some moments of super dodgy CGI (CGI bullet torn legs, anyone?) and an even more dodgy Enrique Iglesias. The cast is full of talented people (Iglesias excluded) and they are all wasted. We get some decent action, but with so many characters and subplots flying about, it's kind of hard to care about anything. There is really only one good thing about Once Upon a Time in Mexico and luckily it's a really, really good thing. So good, in fact, that it makes the movie worth watching at least once. That good thing is Johnny Depp. I'm not Depp's biggest fan, particularly since he became Tim Burton's muse. But he truly owns Once Upon a Time in Mexico, turning what was probably a rubbish role on paper (based on every other character in the film) into a fascinating work of art. Depp's Agent Sands is a character unlike any other. He is a morally corrupt anti-hero of the highest order, and it is impossible to watch Depp without smiling. Watch this if only for Depp.

Funnies of the Week #58

2012-01-20T18:46:00.000+11:00

Thanks, Bond

Definitely the treat of the week

Dogtastic goodness

Stick with it, because this is amazing

Last Week's Movies #47

2012-01-16T23:48:00.000+11:00

Bodyguard Kiba

(Japan, 1993, Takashi Miike)

7/10

Bodyguard Kiba is a very early effort from Takashi Miike and, as you would imagine, it's not quite up to the level of genius seen in some of his more talked about works. It is, however, a fun bit of straight-to-video trash. One of Miike's many collaborations with writer/actor/manga creator/fight choreographer Hisao Maki (Miike biographer Tom Mes hates this guy), Bodyguard Kiba is a weakly plotted story about a yakuza underling that screws over his bosses. He steals a whole lot of money from a drug deal, then hides out in prison for five years. When he gets out, he hires a bodyguard called Kiba to protect him as he attempts to recover the hidden money. Kiba is a tough martial arts man, so a lot of fighting ensues. Ren Ohsugi also shows up as an incredibly creepy yakuza boss. Outside of the decent cinematography, you'd have to do some heavy digging to find any signs of Miike's future brilliance in Bodyguard Kiba. But if, like me, you enjoy sleazy Japanese V-cinema trash then you should get a kick out of this. There is hardly a dull moment in Bodyguard Kiba. There's a lot of martial arts, a lot of cheesy violence and even a splash of awkward sexual depravity. Miike handles his cast well. He leaves the tough guys to the fighting and all the real actors to the acting. Bodyguard Kiba has a nice look to it with its fluid camerawork and its sometimes absurd lighting. Miike was still finding his feet as a director, and he doesn't step outside the limitations of the fairly cookie cutter script. Still, Miike fans should enjoy seeing where Miike cut his filmmaking teeth.

The Bullet Train
aka Shinkansen daibakuha

(Japan, 1975, Jun'ya Satô)

7.5/10

If you've seen Speed, you will already know the plot of The Bullet Train. It is essentially the same premise, except a bullet train replaces the bus - terrorists plant a bomb on a train, if the train goes below a certain speed, it explodes. However, unlike Speed, the focus of The Bullet Train is on the antagonist terrorists rather than the film's heroes. This is both an asset and its biggest downfall. The well-rounded criminals make for far more sympathetic and likable villains than usual, but annoyingly, the film spends too much time away from the speeding train. The few moments we see on the train - especially early on - are tense and nicely put together. But The Bullet Train goes for long stretches without any return to the passengers or crew, which becomes very frustrating in the film's latter half. Luckily, what we get instead is quite good. A large chunk of the film consists of flashbacks to the meetings of the three criminals involved in the planting of the bomb. These scenes are handled well and the performances are uniformly excellent. The Bullet Train is long for what it is, but it held my attention. The character interaction and back story is enough to keep things interesting, although I can't help but think this film could have been even better with a bit more focus on the train. Also, Sonny Chiba fans beware: while this film comes in a Sonny Chiba box set (here in Australia, at least), he has about ten minutes screen time. In a two and a half hour running time, that's not much!

Funny Games

(Austria, 1997, Michael Haneke)

10/10

I have a lot of respect for Haneke as a filmmaker. But I find that I don't agree with much he has to say, particularly his moralistic thoughts on violence in films. He does, however, do an unbelievable job of getting his point across in his horrifying masterpiece Funny Games. Funny Games is, on the surface, an evil, nihilistic, pointless movie. And yes, it is all those things. But it is so much more. It is an exploration - I'd rather see it as exploration than Haneke's dogma - of how we perceive and react to violence in movies, and it plays more games with its audience than the antagonists do with their ever-suffering victims. It is a jarring, traumatizing watch. I first saw Funny Games as a teenager while surfing channels late at night. Its aggressive opening titles hooked me immediately. I assumed I was in for a standard Euro-horror, but oh no, I was in for a nightmare that would frustrate me and leave me depressed for a week. Haneke's manipulation of his audience - which would be playful if not for the unpleasant context of Funny Games - is as brilliant as it is cruel. His tampering with conventions and breaking of the fourth wall is something I've never seen committed with such evil glee. Funny Games uses off-screen violence most impressively and when we finally do see violence, it is yet another middle finger to the viewer. See this - or the remake, which I've heard is essentially the same thing - and get ready to feel guilty about your viewing habits.

Like a Dragon
aka Ryû ga gotoku: gekijô-ban

(Japan, 2007, Takashi Miike)

7.5/10

Proof that Miike will pretty much do anything thrown his way, Like a Dragon is - of all things - a video game adaption. And believe it or not, it's good. I'd like to give a coherent plot synopsis, but in all honesty, the plot of Like a Dragon confused the hell out of me. After a bit of an internet surf, I'm happy to report that I wasn't the only one with this reaction. Apparently you need to know the games to understand who half the characters are. This is instantly a sign of a bad movie... well, usually. But I get the feeling this lack of exposition was perhaps part of Miike's grand plan to create a macho world of yakuza madness. To keep things very simple, all you need to know is that Kiryu (Kazuki Kitamura) is a yakuza fresh out of prison, and he is trying to find a young girl's mother. Along the way, money is stolen from a rival yakuza group, an eye-patched madman Majima (Gorô Kishitani) wants Kiryu's blood, a young couple is out robbing stores and Noguchi (Shô Aikawa) - a cop - is keeping watch over a failed bank robbery. Some of these stories interact with one another.

The first half of Like a Dragon reminded me a lot of Miike's middle (golden) period of the late 90s and early 2000s. The film's opening reeks of Dead or Alive and the film has a smattering of Ichi the Killer's masochism. But this is - as with all newer Miike films - a far more commercial outing than Miike's work from a decade ago. This does not mean, however, that this film follows its conventions too strongly, and we get characters that could only exist in a Miike universe - commercial or not. Graveyard of Honor's Gorô Kishitani is absolutely brilliant as the very likable antagonist Majima. He really steals the show with his grumbling yakuza intonation and drunken movements. We are also blessed with the presence of Miike regulars Ken'ichi Endô (who spends most of the film with his face hidden) and Shô Aikawa. YosiYosi Arakawa - a guy that seems to pop up in every modern Japanese film I watch - is also very funny as the masochistic gun seller. Miike infuses Like a Dragon with his typical visual insanity. Like his older films, fight scenes are brutal, yet no one seems to get seriously hurt. (Something I always loved in his work.) The film also has a great score that suits its tough guy posing perfectly. This is a minor event in Miike's catalogue, and I have to take a few points off for its convoluted plot. As much it may have been Miike's intention, I had to pause this one too many times to ask "what is going on?" Miike fans will dig Like a Dragon, and I'm guessing so will fans of the game.

Metropolis

(Germany, 1927, Fritz Lang)

10/10

How is it possible that Fritz Lang made so many perfect and important films? What an amazing filmmaker. Metropolis is perhaps his most influential film, and it is with good reason. Metropolis is a sprawling, epic film with not only mouthwatering sets, but a wonderful screenplay too. It is a film with effects and filmic techniques that are still incredibly impressive today. It's hard to believe something so huge, yet so intelligent, could afford to get made in 1927... or any time for that matter. I don't think Metropolis has a match for pure spectacle. This is one of the greatest science fiction - although it is far more than just that - stories ever told, and it must be seen in its brilliant new "complete" (or almost complete) cut.

Schoolgirl Hitchhikers
aka Jeunes filles impudiques

(France, 1973, Jean Rollin)

4.5/10

The problem with obsessing over individual filmmakers - as I do - is that every now and then you have to sift through their garbage. Schoolgirl Hitchhikers certainly belongs in Jean Rollin's trash, but it is not totally worthless for die hard Rollin fans. Schoolgirl Hitchhikers - I think - is somewhat of a comedy. Its genre leanings are hard to decipher, but the characters' actions - both villains and heroes - are so mindless that I have to assume it is played for laughs. We have the anti-story of two schoolgirl hitchhikers (I guess - they don't look like schoolgirls and they don't do any hitchhiking) that stumble across a house where they take a nap. A jewel thief shows up and they have sex with him (and each other). The jewel thief's pals show up and they realise their jewels are gone. They blame the schoolgirl hitchhikers and more sex scenes and (possibly unintentional) comedy ensues. Schoolgirl Hitchhikers is bad. Most of the film - especially its final act - consists of guns being pulled out and pointed at people, then those with the guns pointed at them turn the tables and pull guns on those that are pointing guns at them. Honestly, that's all that happens in the last twenty minutes. It's infuriating. The only aspects that reveal this is a Rollin film is the appearance of his regulars (and himself) and some decent cinematography. Schoolgirl Hitchhikers is not a total wash out. The film picks up in its middle section when the girls are captured (before the gun swapping silliness) and Joëlle Coeur is fantastic as always. It is also a must see for Jean Rollin's extended cameo in the film's finale. This is not Jean Rollin's greatest moment - it's close to his worst - but with a running time of under eighty minutes, it's not too painful.

Silver

(Japan, 1999, Takashi Miike)

6/10

Silver has a pretty bad reputation among Miike fans. And yes, it is a pretty rancid affair. Silver has a horrible plot that sets no goals and achieves nothing. We have the - admittedly exciting sounding - story of a female karate champion who's family has been murdered by a Leatherface clone. She is hired to join an investigation bureau and becomes somewhat of a crime fighter. Her boss makes her become a female wrestler (costume and all). She does this by day and then by night fights crime (costume still on). Well, she goes after one criminal in the film - a business woman who is into S&M and peeing into cups - I'm not sure what her actual crimes are. Written by dodgy Miike collaborator Hisao Maki, Silver makes almost no sense. But if you can accept this and go along on the ride, it's actually quite entertaining. Miike is a talented man behind the camera, so at least the film looks good (especially for a shot on video flick). The film has some pleasing outrageous rubbish that kicks into high gear whenever our creepy S&M business lady is on screen, and the wrestler stuff is reasonably hysterical. Silver is played by Atsuko Sakuraba, whose performance has been criticised by most. She is quite terrible and plays the part with almost no emoting whatsoever. But her performance slips into the so-bad-it's-good category, so I enjoyed it. Silver is probably the worst Miike film I've seen, but I have to admit, as dumb as it is, I felt satisfied as the credits rolled. Yes, even with its stupid open ending that begs for a sequel (and never got one). It's hard to believe that Miike's next two films would be Audition and Dead or Alive.

Spider Baby

(USA, 1968, Jack Hill)
9/10

My blog deleted - for no fucking reason whatsoever - my giant review of Spider Baby. I really can't be bothered writing it again. In short:

- This movie is hilarious and disturbing.

- It is a near perfect b-movie and horror-comedy.

- The cast is one of the best ever assembled for this type of film (Lon Chaney Jr. and Sid Haig being the cherries on top).

- It has an unbelievably hilarious protagonist, who is particularly amazing in the film's bizarre bookends.

It is great. See it.

The Vengeance of She

(UK, 1968, Cliff Owen)
3/10

It's a shame my review of The Vengeance of She got deleted along with the above non-review of Spider Baby. I spent quite a while on it, spitting out some nasty bile about how awful it is. I can't bring myself to write it again. All you need to know is that this is the worst film Hammer ever produced. The end.

Funnies of the Week #57

2012-01-14T12:38:00.000+11:00

In short, the internet

Student film genius

People apparently didn't know what rap was in the late 80s

By far the best dancing dad video on the net (thanks, Mike)

Some classic cat video stuff here

Never thought a cat video could give me nightmares

One more cat vid for yer troubles

And finally, proof that Bob Hawke was our greatest prime minister

Last Week's Movies #46

2012-01-10T01:25:00.002+11:00

Un Chien Andalou

(France, 1929, Luis Buñuel)

10/10

What is there to say about Un Chien Andalou that hasn't been said? Seeing that is from 1929, directed by Luis Buñuel with the involvement of Salvador Dali, the answer is nothing. But I'll repeat what everyone else has already said anyway. This is a masterpiece of surrealism, but sometimes I like to think of it as the greatest student film ever made. Personally, I believe that Buñuel went on to make far better work than Un Chien Andalou - though (kind of sadly), this remains his most famous film - but still, it's hard to ignore the youthful madness on offer. Un Chien Andalou is more than just "that film with the eyeball slicing opening" - that scene still packs a punch, mind you - from start to finish Buñuel and Dali construct a series of visually jaw dropping vignettes that are sometimes disturbing and sometimes funny (or both). Seeing ants crawling out of a man's hand still blows my tiny brain to smithereens. There's (deliberately) little subtext in Un Chien Andalou - although, search the internet and you can read a thousand different theories - and that's part of its surrealistic power. This is pure surrealism and the beginning of the most consistently brilliant film career in cinematic history. Yes, as far as I'm concerned, there is no greater filmmaker than Luis Buñuel.

For a Few Dollars More
aka Per qualche dollaro in più

(Italy, 1965, Sergio Leone)

9.5/10

Fistful of Dollars is a great spaghetti western, but Leone certainly stepped things up with For a Few Dollars More. While not quite the perfect perfection of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, For a Few Dollars More is still a brilliant film and one of the best spaghetti westerns around. For starters, it has a great cast. It's somewhat of a nerdy wet dream to see Eastwood and Lee Van Cleef in a partnership rather than squaring off against each other (although there's still a bit of that - and it's great too). Gian Maria Volonté is a villain to be reckoned with and is every bit as good as Cleef's antagonist role in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Morricone's score is wonderful - Eastwood and Cleef are designated signature twangs, which is a great touch. Morricone's score is perhaps the most iconic aspect of these films and is as important as Leone's mind blowing skills in setting a scene. No one makes movies like Leone, and I'd go as far to say that his westerns excite me more than any other film.

Hachi-ko
aka Hachikô monogatari

(Japan, 1987, Seijirô Kôyama)

8.5/10

Rather oddly remade as a Richard Gere vehicle, I imagine that this version of Hachi-ko would be significantly less soppy. Of course, I'm being a little judgmental of mainstream American movie making (especially films featuring Gere), but I'm sure I'm not far off with this one. Hachi-ko is the true story of Hachi, the greatest dog to ever live, and his gentle owner. Hachi waits for his master to get back from work every day at Shibuya station. This ritual continues until Hachi's owner dies. Hachi moves from home to home after his master's death, but continues to escape to wait at the station. Wow, I'm getting teary eyed just writing this. The story of Hachi is a sad tale of loyalty and friendship. It's also a story that could be terribly overblown and cheesy if presented incorrectly. Luckily, Hachi-ko is written by the amazing Kaneto Shindo. Its script is heartfelt and touching, yet keeps itself grounded in reality. The film is directed with restraint by Seijirô Kôyama and is filled with lovely subtle performances from the entire leading cast (the dog is especially good). I'd be surprised if anyone could get through the film's final moments without turning into a sobbing wreck. Hachi-ko is a bittersweet experience and leaves you feeling an odd mixture of depression and happiness. This is not a perfect film - the music score can be a little off and it lags in its middle section - but animal lovers will lap it up.

Lorna

(USA, 1964, Russ Meyer)

6/10

Lorna is a watchable Russ Meyer flick that is a little slow, but ends with an excellent bang. Meyer gives us the story of a housewife, Lorna (Lorna Maitland), who combats her boredom with her life and husband (James Rucker) by sleeping with an escaped convict (Mark Bradley). Taking place over a day, Lorna is a short little film, and I think it could have been even shorter. Not much happens here and there's only so much repetitive taunting from Hal Hopper (I do love the guy) that I can handle. Lorna's finale certainly redeems any sluggish moments that came before it. The finale is swift, violent and is thoroughly entertaining and entirely appropriate. While it's far from his best, Meyer fans will get a kick out of this.

Memories of Matsuko
aka Kiraware Matsuko no isshô

(Japan, 2006, Tetsuya Nakashima)

9/10

Don't let anyone tell you - as many told me - that Memories of Matsuko is "just like Amélie". Memories of Matsuko is about as far from Amélie as Schindler's List is from Spy Kids. The only thing that you could possibly compare between the two movies is that they share a vaguely similar style; similar in that it is exaggerated and colourful. In tone, structure, theme and story, Memories of Matsuko and Amélie have nothing in common. While Amélie is a gentle (and great) movie, Memories of Matsuko is seriously dark (and great). Tetsuya Nakashima (director of Kamikaze Girls and Confessions) gives us the depressing tale of Matsuko (Ring's Miki Nakatani). Matsuko is dead when the movie opens. She's a victim of murder and her nephew Shô (Eita) is asked by his father to clean up her apartment. As he cleans away her mess and talks to her neighbours and friends, he begins to uncover her sad life story.

Memories of Matsuko floored me. Matsuko's story is incredibly tragic and Nakatani's performance really sells it. Stylistically, the film shares a lot in common with Nakashima's Kamikaze Girls, but this is a much heavier affair. Visually the film is full of colour, fast cutting and wild camerawork. It is almost like a cartoon, far from what you'd expect from the subject matter. Memories of Matsuko very effectively shifts and changes its visual appearance as we move through different stages of Matsuko's life. In a way, the film's exaggerated style tricks you into a false sense of security before punching you in the guts with harsh reality. The film jumps around in tone; at times it is funny, but mostly it is sad, it can move slowly, and then suddenly it is speeding through events at the speed of light. Somehow, it all works and by the end of the film, I felt like I had a complete portrait of Matsuko. While Matsuko's life is iredeemibly depressing, Memories of Matsuko carries a unique message about the meaning of life (I won't ruin here) that was quite humbling.

Prehistoric Women
aka Slave Girls

(UK, 1967, Michael Carreras)

7/10

Prehistoric Women was made with the leftover sets and costumes from Hammer's expensive production of One Million Years B.C. and written hastily by director/producer/Hammer kingpin Michael Carreras (smartly, under a false name). Strangely enough, I find Prehistoric Women a far more entertaining and satisfying experience when compared to One Million Years B.C. (despite its cool Harryhausen effects, it is a boring turd of a film). Don't get me wrong, Prehistoric Women is a really bad movie, but it is quality trash. Prehistoric Women is perhaps a contender for most ridiculous story ever conceived. Our hero David (Michael Latimer) is a tour guide in the jungle. While bravely heading into the depth of the jungle to kill a wounded jaguar (which he is in fact partly responsible for wounding in the first place, yet the film makes him out to be a fucking hero for killing it), he stumbles upon a symbol of a white rhino.

Despite being warned by the stereotypical black guys that tag along with him, he waltzes into the white rhino territory, kills his beloved jaguar and then winds up kidnapped by a bunch of natives. They blabber on about white rhinos and wheel out (literally, they wheel it the fuck out) a large rhino statue. They are about to kill him, but then David grabs onto the rhino's horn and he is TRANSPORTED BACK IN FUCKING TIME. This is when shit gets really weird. Trying to help some nutty blonde chick, David is captured by a group of brunette women dressed in One Million Years B.C. bikini outfits. He is taken to their leader, the super hot and super evil Kari (Martine Beswick). The nasty Kari wants to make David her man, but he refuses. You see Kari keeps a pack of blonde women as slaves and sells them off to a primitive tribe as brides every now and then. Suffice to say, David does not approve. The blonde women used to be the rulers of the land, but then the "less intelligent" (no shit, this is actually said by a character in the film) brunettes rose up and took power. Gee, wonder what the very racist analogy is here! David eventually agrees to be Kari's man-slave in order to help free the blonde gals.

As you can probably guess, Prehistoric Women is pretty flipping nutty. It's clearly an outrageous male fantasy constructed by Carreras. Case in point, our hero is allowed (in a moral sense) to fuck the lovely innocent damsel in distress as well as hot evil villain without getting into trouble with anyone!

"I don't want to bang that super hot villain Kari! She's mean!"

"But you have to, David, so you can help us!"

"Okay then!"

The film is also hilariously racist, although it occasionally drops weird out of character comments to suggest it isn't. The blondes question how they've treated the brunettes and insist that Kari is not evil (they were nasty to her, now she's nasty to them). But then any attempts at anti-racism is wiped out when we return to present day. The "primitive" tribespeople are happy because they're finally allowed to stop worshipping a "false god"... I'm assuming this means they will now become good Christians. Prehistoric Women is also blatantly anti-feminist. The women can only succeed with a man's help (and eventually from the help of a lot of men). Ironically, the only strong character on display is the powerful Kari. Beswick is awesome as Kari, and I couldn't help but be on her side. Horrible sets and inane dialogue abound, Prehistoric Women is dumb fun to the extreme. Hammer fans may struggle with its maniac stupidity, but fans of goofy b-movies will love it.

A Serious Man

(USA, 2009, Joel & Ethan Coen)

8.5/10

The complete lack of plot and commercial appeal of A Serious Man is proof that the Coen brothers have gotten to the point where they are allowed to do whatever the hell they want. And I'm glad they can. A Serious Man is about Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg). Larry is a physics professor and a Jewish man (both important parts of his character). His life is falling to bits; his wife is leaving him for another man, he's being bribed by a student and he can't get an appointment with the wisest rabbi in town. There is a structure to A Serious Man, but it is more a series of scenes than a story with a beginning, middle and end. It is a film about the quest for answers. Larry struggles to understand why everything is going wrong in his life and what he can do to fix things. There are no answers in the film, and rightly so. The film's ending is beyond "open" and will leave a lot of people irritated. After a bit of thought, I decided the ending was perfect. A Serious Man is a film that can be interpreted in entirely different ways depending on your beliefs. I'm sure if you're religious, you'd take a completely different meaning away from the film than I did. The openness of A Serious Man is what made it so appealing to me. An interesting entry in the Coen's oeuvre.

The Skin I Live In
aka La piel que habito

(Spain, 2011, Pedro Almodóvar)

9/10

Wow. Almodóvar's The Skin I Live In is certainly one of the best films of the year and perhaps my favourite of his work (though keep in mind I haven't seen that much yet). I went into this film knowing absolutely nothing about it and I'm really glad of it. The Skin I Live In isn't so much about twists, rather it focuses on slow reveals. As I realised what this film was about, I couldn't get the shocked grin off my face. Almodóvar nails this one. It's quite evil and vicious, but it retains his signature. The insanity of both the plot and the characters quietly grows, and Almodóvar retains the same steady pace throughout until we get to the intense finale. There are no heroic characters on display, all - in a way - are villains, albeit with understandable motives. The Skin I Live In greatly utilises moral ambiguity; one character action in particular has created strong debate amongst viewers. I've tried not to say a word about the plot of The Skin I Live In. Keep it that way and see it!

The Streetfighter
aka Gekitotsu! Satsujin ken

(Japan, 1974, Shigehiro Ozawa)

8.5/10

The Streetfighter delivers exactly what you want from a Sonny Chiba movie: awesome martial arts, gore, goofy comedy, cartoonish villains and minimal plot. In fact, the plot is so nonexistent that I've pretty much forgotten it altogether. All you need to know is that Sonny Chiba is going to beat some assholes up and maybe save a girl and make some cash along the way. Chiba is great in this one. While he plays the hero, he's a real piece of shit. He sells an innocent girl into sex slavery and all he really cares about is making a quick buck. Yeah, he's a nasty motherfucker, and it makes his character much more interesting than your average protagonist. Chiba is at the top of his game in terms of fighting too. He beats the shit out of a thousand dudes without breaking a sweat. Everything about this film is wonderfully 70s - quality 70s music, lots of mental camerawork and some excellent overacting. The Streetfighter is one of Chiba's most famous films, and it is for a damn good reason!

Funnies of the Week #56

2012-01-06T16:27:00.000+11:00

I don't know what this is, but it's the funniest thing I've seen all week (thanks Mike)

An expected mix

Caaa-uuute!

This holds its own in a sea of unfunny internet funnies of a similar type

Stick with it, the ending is amazing

If only this would work in Melbourne

I think I forgot to post this last week... brilliant pranking!

Best worst toy - King Alligator

2012-01-06T15:16:00.002+11:00

So I bought a toy for my nephew today. Taena and I have been obsessing over it since we first saw it a few weeks back at the world famous Hot Price Variety Store on Sydney Road. It was a good excuse to buy it. The toy is called "King Alligator". It takes batteries. But I'm not sure what it "does" yet. According to the box it "may sway side to side" and "leg may move". King Alligator is essentially a giant alligator with glowing red eyes... and A SMALLER ALLIGATOR WITH A GOLDEN BALL IN ITS MOUTH RIDING ON TOP OF THE BIG ONE. Everything about this toy is amazing. From the repetitive photoshopped use of an open mouthed alligator to the confusing claims of "overlord rocking". Why does it say "VS" on the back? What is "universal drive"? What flipping genius made this?! But most importantly, WHY IS THERE A SMALL ALLIGATOR WITH A GOLDEN BALL IN ITS MOUTH ON TOP OF A BIG ALLIGATOR? Enjoy (and please click for a larger view to fully absorb the rubbish experience)...

UPDATE! I filmed a video of the maniac alligator toy in action. It went beyond expectations. To turn it on, it had to be switched to "off". As soon as it was on, the wheels started whirring wildly and a horrible song was pumped out (inaudible most of the time) of its tiny speakers. It's the most hyperactive toy ever. Check it out:

Last Week's Movies #45

2012-01-02T21:46:00.002+11:00

Crows Zero II
aka Kurôzu zero II

(Japan, 2009, Takashi Miike)

7/10

Takashi Miike's Crows Zero films are adaptions of the manga series Crows, although the movies function as prequels to the manga (hence the "zero"). The films focus on Japan's roughest (and seemingly teacherless) school - Suzuran - where tough (yet handsome and sometimes downright androgynous) teen boys fight to become top dog. The first film looks at internal struggles in the school, this sequel moves the story to school versus school as Genji (Shun Oguri) - his gang was the winner of the previous film's battle - takes on the Hosen Academy (a school with a long rivalry with Suzuran). Crows Zero II picks up right where the very fun original ended, and, while I've heard some say you don't need to see the original to watch this sequel, I'd imagine it would be quite confusing jumping straight into this one. Crows Zero II is not a disappointment and is a better than average sequel. It does, however, lack the structure and focus of the original. The original did a great job of presenting some fantastic - albeit cheesy - characters, and the rivalry between Serizawa (Takayuki Yamada) and Genji was a blast to watch.

This sequel is a little scattered. Genji's character takes an irritating turn, spending most of the film being a bit of a bitch. Side characters are given little to do. Kyôsuke Yabe, who was great in the original as Ken the failed yakuza, has a completely irrelevant subplot that really bugged me after a while. The first half of the film is, overall, not too hot. The new characters from the Hosen school are fun, but I found myself wishing there was more of a focus on characters like Serizawa. Thankfully, Crows Zero II seems to take note of the problems that plague its opening half and things really pick up as the film nears the finale. The film's final battle has the same energy of the first and is possibly even more exciting. By the end of Crows Zero II, I felt satisfied. The film does an excellent job of redeeming itself. The Crows Zero films are definitely Miike at his most commercial. I'm guessing a lot of his fans won't like this, but I personally like seeing Miike in all his many guises.

Inception

(USA, 2010, Christopher Nolan)

9.5/10

While I still think The Dark Knight is Nolan's greatest achievement, Inception is not far behind. It was certainly my favourite movie of 2010. It is a great balance between solid scripting and mind blowing visuals. Not only that, but it is blessed with an unbelievable cast. DiCaprio makes for a great lead, but he is perhaps overshadowed by the performances from some of the minor players. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a stand out, but Ken Watanabe stole the show for me. Inception is constantly on the move and at times it feels like one big montage (and I mean that in a positive way). But its final fifteen or so minutes really take things to a whole new level of excitement.

The Killing Machine
aka Shôrinji kenpô

(Japan, 1976, Noribumi Suzuki)

8/10

The Killing Machine is a solid Sonny Chiba film. The film is based on the life of Doshin So, the originator of Shorinji Kempo. We see So's struggles, which begin at the end of the war, and his achievements that accumulate in the creation of his martial arts school. The Killing Machine takes itself quite seriously and, at times, can be unintentionally funny as it is so melodramatic. Chiba's character is the ultimate hero. He is completely flawless, and most of the movie he spends altruistically helping others (usually by beating up a bunch of villains). As serious as it intends to be, The Killing Machine still manages to entertain. The martial arts on display is impressive to say the least, and the film is gloriously violent. At one point - and I shit you not - Chiba cuts off a rapist's dick, which is then eaten by a dog! That alone warrants this film a viewing. The Killing Machine will definitely please Chiba fans.

The Naked Island
aka Hadaka no shima

(Japan, 1960, Kaneto Shindô)

10/10

The Naked Island really took me surprise. I picked this up knowing next to nothing about it. I only grabbed it because of Kaneto Shindô's name on the cover. The Naked Island centres on a family that lives on a small island. We follow their repetitive daily operations, their hardships and their tragedies. The Naked Island is a masterpiece and is like no other film. It's amazing that a film with this little commercial appeal could ever get made. I hardly know where to begin in explaining why this film is so amazing. Everything is perfect - the cinematography, the performances, the music, the locations - but this film has a quality that goes beyond its technical excellence. This is truly a film with heart, although it never becomes overtly sentimental or dramatised. There's an authenticity to The Naked Island that is rare to find. Yes, this is one of my new favourites.

She

(UK, 1965, Robert Day)

3.5/10

It took me three viewings to get through Hammer's version of She. Never has a film had such an impressive ability to put me to sleep. With that in mind, I can't be bothered saying much about this one. This is one of Hammer's worst, and it surprises me this film is as well known as it is. For the most part, She is dull beyond belief. There are a handful of almost exciting scenes, but they are certainly few and far between. The whole film is a waste of talent. The performances are uniformly weak, even the great Peter Cushing doesn't come off too well here. The only decent performance is from Christopher Lee, and it's far from his best. I'm not sure what it is that makes She so incredibly boring. It has decent sets, some action and the story isn't too horrible. But, wow, my eyes got heavy after the opening credits. Don't bother with this crap.

Watership Down

(UK, 1978, Martin Rosen)

9/10

Watership Down is a powerful animated film indeed. It's a film that has become well known for being supremely depressing and in no way suitable for children. But I would have to argue against its reputation. Yes, Watership Down, at times, is quite depressing. And it is undeniably intense and very effective. But for the most part, I found it quite positive and uplifting. I also wouldn't have a problem with allowing a child sitting through this. It may be a little upsetting, but there is a strong message that I think would get through to a younger viewer. Watership Down has a wonderful look. The animation is detailed and creative (its more surreal moments are especially impressive). The designs of the rabbits are kept realistic, but enough personality shines through to distinguish characters. There's very little to complain about here. A film well deserving of its classic status.

Yakuza Deka 2
aka Yakuza deka: Marifana mitsubai soshiki

(Japan, 1970, Yukio Noda)

5/10

Yakuza Deka 2 is a pretty disappointing sequel. The original was goofy fun with endless action and lots of lovely exploitative violence. The sequel is more goofy than it is fun. It leans more towards comedy than action and suffers terribly for it. Everything about this film is ridiculous and, for the most part, not in a good way. Every performance - Chiba including - is exaggerated to embarrassing heights. The action is okay, but there's not enough of it and it lacks the creativity of its predecessor. Yakuza Deka 2 is drowning in lame comedy scenes. Sometimes the comedy is so awful that it generates a few so-bad-it's-good laughs, but most of the time it's unbearable. The film is not a total loss. Like the first, it's shot well and has a good (and dated) score. Chiba, while he's not so great here, is still likable, and the film is short enough not to be completely unwatchable. Still, this is pretty bad as far as my limited exposure to Sonny Chiba films goes.

Funnies of the Week #55

2011-12-31T18:31:00.000+11:00

This is amazing

It's like a hundred funnies in one video

Beautiful Turds: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT

2011-12-27T20:25:00.001+11:00

Note: Hey, hey. This will be the last Beautiful Turds article. I figure a year's worth is a good point to stop. I'm working on a new blog dedicated to all things exploitation (in its celluloid form, that is) that will be kicking off in January or February of 2012, and I think I'll be writing a similar article each month. Hope you've enjoyed these posts.

A Beautiful Turd is a title I only give to very special films. A Beautiful Turd may be misunderstood, unfairly maligned or simply ignored. But a Beautiful Turd may also be ridiculous, outrageous, full of contradictions, insane, deranged or confused about what it is. A Beautiful Turd is not necessarily a bad movie or even a so-bad-it's-good movie. But a Beautiful Turd is also not going to win any awards. No matter what, a Beautiful Turd is a film you'll never forget.

This month's Beautiful Turd is...

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT

Directed by: Charles E. Sellier Jr.

Starring: Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Linnea Quigley

Year of release: 1984 Country: USA

I love this cheesy title

You know a film is going to be awesome when it has two tag lines. You can just picture the producer using both of them as the initial pitch for funding.

"Okay, you remember that movie Halloween?"
"Um, yes."
"Christmas."
"What?"
"Christmas. How's this, 'you've made it through Halloween, now try and survive Christmas.' Brilliant, huh?"
"So the movie's called 'Christmas'?"
"No, no, Silent Night, Deadly Night. Santa hacking up promiscuous teens."
"Uh..."
"'He knows when you've been naughty' - ya know, like the song?"
"Well, alright, just keep the budget low."

Yes, Silent Night, Deadly Night is gimmicky, cynical filmmaking, but more so in its promotion rather than its execution. The film itself - at times - is surprisingly effective, and it is much better than you'd envision a film about a killer Santa to be (low as your expectations may be). That said, this isn't high art - after all, this is a Beautiful Turd. We've essentially got two films violently jammed together. A fairly strong and depressing character study (the film's first half) and a gory, fun slasher (the film's latter half). It's jarring, but I love it so bloody much.

Punish?

Silent Night, Deadly Night makes for perfect Christmas viewing. You couldn't ask for a story more in tune with the message of everyone's favourite Christian holiday. Little Billy (played in young child form by Jonathan Best) visits his geriatric and mentally unstable grandfather (Will Hare) on Christmas. The grandfather doesn't speak when Billy's parents and baby brother Ricky (in Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, he will utter the infamous "garbage day" line) are around, but once he's left alone with Billy he doesn't shut up. Granddad delivers a demented sermon to Billy that reveals the truth about Santa. Yes, Santa punishes the naughty boys and girls. The family leaves the grandfather in peace, and we swiftly move onto Billy's parents' inevitable demise. A man who has just held up a convenience store dressed as Santa waits on the side of the road with the ruse that his car has broken down. Billy's good natured parents stop to help him. Our fake Santa shoots Billy's father dead and pulls the screaming mother out of the car. Billy escapes and hides in the bushes near the road and watches his mother get viciously raped by Santa while his baby brother cries inside the car. Santa slits the mother's throat and leaves. Merry Christmas.

Without a doubt, the worst Christmas ever

Fast-forward three years, Billy is eight (and now played by Danny Wagner) and living in an orphanage with his brother Ricky (at this point played by Max Broadhead). The horrible Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin) regularly punishes the gentle Billy for drawing disturbing pictures of Santa and spying on couples having sex. This further damages our young hero's psyche. This treatment continues until he reaches eighteen. He leaves the orphanage to work in a toy store during the Christmas season. Then Silent Night, Deadly Night becomes a different movie altogether. Billy (Robert Brian Wilson, the third and final actor to portray Billy) has grown into a hulking lug, but he's retained his gentle nature and gets along well with the manager of the toy store. Things go well, until the store Santa is fired and, in a truly bad decision on the manager's behalf, Billy's asked to fill in. Dressed up as his childhood nightmare, Billy's mental stability takes a whopping blow. At the toy store's Christmas party, he stops a co-worker from (sort of) raping another female clerk. She is not impressed with Billy's method though... he kills the would-be-rapist. And thus begins Billy's descent to murder and mayhem as he strolls around town "punishing" all the naughty boys and girls.

Punished

The schizophrenia of Silent Night, Deadly Night is difficult to stomach at first. Over time, I've grown to love this aspect of the movie, but on first viewing, it's frustrating. The first half is a series of well structured and well performed scenes. Billy's horrible childhood is genuinely heartbreaking, and the violent murder of his parents is disturbing. The opening half benefits from an excellent performance from child actor Danny Wagner. Wagner doesn't seem like your typical child performer and has a believable, albeit amateurish, delivery. He doesn't look like a plastic Hollywood kid and seems simply real. Lilyan Chauvin is also fantastic as Mother Superior. Her character is surprisingly layered. She is the antagonist of the film's first half, but she is not a cut-and-dry villain. She has her reasons for punishing Billy, as backwards as they may be. As soon as Billy becomes an adult, Silent Night, Deadly Night - for better and worse - drops in I.Q. significantly. From here on, the film is a slasher of the dumbest kind. But it is also a slasher of incredible quality delivering everything you could possibly want from a grimy 80s horror.

A young Billy learns about sex

The casting of Robert Brian Wilson as adult Billy is either a stroke of genius or pure stupidity. Wilson is not much of an actor, but he's huge and looks like a generic high school football jock. To watch this buffoon act like a child and intensely stare at himself in a mirror dressed as Santa is hysterical to say the least. Wilson, while giving a pretty bad performance, is instantly likable. Despite becoming the film's monster, it is hard not to be on his side. It helps that he's spent the movie as the protagonist up until his first killing. I know this is a mindless slasher, but I couldn't help but hope for the best for him as - before everything is ruined by the Santa suit - we get an amazing montage of him working hard at the toy store. These feelings were quickly washed away when I first heard Wilson shout "punish!" while still dressed up as Santa, hat and all. There's few things in the world of exploitation cinema that excite me as much as Billy's wild shouting of "punish"... that and his creative dismemberment of idiotic teens.

Billy, a gentle giant

The death scenes on display are a highlight. And yes, much to my delight, many of them are Christmas themed. I won't ruin them all, but I've got to discuss Linnea Quigley's death. Any film from the 1980s that features Quigley is instantly a winner in my books. Quigley is a true scream queen appearing in two of my favourite horror films of all time; Return of the Living Dead and Night of the Demons. Just like in those two films - her graveyard striptease in Return of the Living Dead and the brilliant lipstick scene in Night of the Demons - Quigley's scene in Silent Night, Deadly Night is perhaps the film's most memorable moment. Billy - on his murderous rampage - spots two teens having sex; one of which is Quigley, as expected, she spends the whole scene topless. Quigley's character hears a noise and, thinking it's the cat trying to get in, she opens the door. But no, it's Billy. He screams "punish", grabs the panicked Quigley and slams her against the antlers of an antelope head hanging on the wall. The boyfriend then gets a less creative treatment and is thrown out of a window to his death. Quigley's scene stands as one of the best ridiculous death scenes from the 1980s.

Another classic Quigley scene

Silent Night, Deadly Night is a gory film, but the death scenes are surprisingly few and far between. So why did it cause such a stink when it came out? The PTA wanted it removed from theatres, but they didn't have a problem with You Better Watch Out (aka Christmas Evil); a film with a similar premise released in 1980. Siskel and Ebert agreed in their critical judgment of this one despising it equally. (On a side note, what a hypocrite Ebert could be, being the writer of some of Russ Meyer's more rape-heavy films!) They read the film's production credits on air repeating "shame, shame" after each one! Most other critics hated Silent Night, Deadly Night with similar venom, and angry parents protested the film by picketing cinemas. I think what caused this controversy was not the violence or even the idea of a killer Santa - even though those elements are a big part of it - I think what makes Silent Night, Deadly Night so offensive is its cruelty. This is not just a Santa slasher. Just to name a few atrocities, we've got Santa raping a mother in front of her child, we get an innocent man dressed as Santa violently shot dead by police in front of a crowd on screaming children and we've got nuns viciously beating children. This film peels back the layers of Christmas and gets down to what Christmas is truly about. Christmas is for children and Silent Night, Deadly Night treats them with an intense nastiness. This film is funny to watch as an adult, but it would truly ruin a child.

Some poor sucker mowed down in front of a bunch of impressionable kids

Silent Night, Deadly Night deserves to be placed highly amongst holiday horror classics like Halloween and Black Christmas. It is more in tone with the cheesy goodness of a Friday the 13th than Carpenter's classy Halloween making it an extremely fun watch. This film caused its share of whiny controversy, and it's one of the few films, watching it back now, where the controversy is kind of understandable. People don't like horror films treading on their favourite holiday. So I say, good work idiots/geniuses behind Silent Night, Deadly Night for making this unpleasant, violent turd! As goofy as this film can be, I think horror fanatics will be pleasantly surprised with how good it actually is. Silent Night, Deadly Night was followed by a multitude of sequels (the last two are sequels in name only). These days, the first sequel is perhaps more well known and watched than the original due to the outrageous portrayal of Billy's brother Ricky by Eric Freeman. Freeman's performance is honestly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen and - if you can sit through the thirty plus minutes of flashbacks (I'm not kidding) - you'll find Ricky is more than just "garbage day". But I'd recommend watching the original first. Silent Night, Deadly Night is a fine piece of trash. Punish!

Last Week's Movies #44

2011-12-26T20:05:00.000+11:00

Maniac

(UK, 1963, Michael Carreras)

6/10

No, this is not the Joe Spinnell vehicle and horror masterpiece from 1980. This Maniac is a little discussed Hammer production directed by Hammer kingpin Michael Carreras (usually known for his producing credits). There's not much to say about Maniac really. It's an adequate thriller, but rarely steps above average in its short running time. The plot is fairly uninteresting - an American painter (and ladies' man) passes through a French village and starts up an affair with a bar owner (quite comically confessing his love for her almost as soon as she seduces him). The bar owner's husband is in the loony bin for brutally killing his daughter's rapist. For some idiotic reason, our two heroes haphazardly decide to break the husband out so he can be with his daughter. The biggest problem with Maniac is that it is frustratingly convoluted and more obsessed with twists than plot. Jimmy Sangster - usually a great writer - delivers a messy script full of so many twists that it becomes irritating very quickly. The twists become so outrageous that they are rendered totally meaningless. If this film spent less time trying to be clever, I'm sure it would have been a far more solid affair. Strip back three of the twists and you'd have a good thriller. The performances are okay for the most part, although I couldn't buy Nadia Gray as the seductress. Carreras shoots his film with competence, but that's to be expected from a Hammer production. Maniac should be seen by Hammer completists, everyone else need not bother.

The Plague Dogs

(UK, 1982, Martin Rosen)

8.5/10

The Plague Dogs is not an animation for children. Unless you want your kids to know the harsh realities of the world and strip them of all fantasy, that is. Yes, this kind of animation could only be from the makers of Watership Down. We follow the depressing tale of two dogs that have escaped from an animal testing laboratory. They must survive in the harsh farming land outside the lab, while being hunted by everyone from the farmers to the army. They may also be infected with the plague. Yes, this is a sad and tragic film, but I found it very engaging.

Our two leading mutts are easy to like, and despite having lengthy conversations with each other, they acted like real dogs. These are not human characters dressed as animals - as seen in most Disney films (not that there's anything wrong with that) - these dogs have the logic of animals and suffer from all the disadvantages (and sometimes advantages) that come with an instinctual intelligence. The story is painful at times, and if I had one complaint about this film, it would be that it is perhaps too negative. Visually, The Plague Dogs is beautiful. The animation is wonderful - it's grounded in reality, but punctuated with moments of great style. The way flashbacks are presented bowled me over. The score is a bit schizophrenic (sometimes it is bizarrely inappropriate, other times it is effectively minimalistic), but the sound design is quite impressive. The Plague Dogs is a great animated film that should be appreciated by almost anyone. But if you're under the age of ten, then expect to be scarred for life.

Rainy Dog
aka Gokudô kuroshakai

(Japan, 1997, Takashi Miike)

9.5/10

Takashi Miike is one of my favourite directors and Rainy Dog is probably in my top ten, or even five, of his films. That means more than it normally would considering his ridiculously enormous output. Rainy Dog is one of Miike's grounded films. There's no outrageous supernatural ending, there's no ladles being forced into anuses, there's no musical numbers and there's not even any ultraviolence. What we have instead is a simple and solid story of an ex-yakuza trapped in rainy Taipei who has just found out he has a son. Oh, and there's also a whole lot of gangsters gunning for him. Shô Aikawa is excellent in the lead and speaks mostly Mandarin. He has starred in a lot of Miike films, and this could well be his best role. It is a quiet performance, and, while the character is responsible from some reprehensible actions, Aikawa is impossible to hate. Rainy Dog has a great mood. Like the title promises, the majority of scenes are punctuated with wet weather creating a sombre atmosphere. Miike moves the film at a slow pace, which works in its favour making the film's finale pack more of a punch. Rainy Dog is essential Miike, but it stands far away from the rest of his filmography in tone.

The Snorkel

(UK, 1958, Guy Green)

7/10

The Snorkel is a decent, but not great, Hammer thriller. Here we have the story of a stepfather who is greedy or psychotic, but either way a killer. He has murdered his wife by knocking her out in a room, taping up the doors and windows from the inside, letting gas in then hiding in the room's trapdoor wearing a snorkel attached to an oxygen tank. He hides while the police visit the scene and it is put down as suicide. But the man's stepdaughter knows better. The Snorkel won't wow Hammer fanatics, but it will entertain them well enough. It has its problems. Mandy Miller is a bit weird as the stepdaughter. The script seems to have written her as a very young girl, but she's played by a teenager. As a result, she acts far younger than she is. The film is also a little dry and plods along at quite a slow pace. The Snorkel is mainly worth a watch for the excellent scenes that act as its bookends. The film's opening murder is well-constructed and very original. Similarly, the film's ending is quite brilliant and haunting. That is if you can ignore the bullshit add-on scene obviously thrown in to please censors. Just turn it off once you feel the film has ended.

The Streetfighter's Last Revenge

(Japan, 1974, Shigehiro Ozawa)

8/10

I'm currently introducing myself to the world of Sonny Chiba, and this Streetfighter sequel has been a fun highlight. I'm sure that the first two entries are superior to The Streetfighter's Last Revenge, but without seeing them as of yet, this was an absolute blast. Chiba is a total bad ass in this film. For the first half of the film, I couldn't work out if he was the protagonist or antagonist. He's a truly unpleasant guy, with few morals and only the smallest amount of honour. This really added to the film, making it seem fairly nasty despite the silliness going on. The action is awesome. There are some excellent fight scenes and even a few lovely explosions. The plot is predictable and nothing special, but that doesn't mean it isn't entertaining. Wrapped around the story is stylized goodness. The Streetfighter's Last Revenge is fun and cheesy in that way that only a martial arts film from the 70s can be - plenty of zooms and a funk smothered score. Yes, this is good stuff.

Tahkhana the Dungeon

(India, 1986, Tulsi & Shyam Ramsay)

5.5/10

These Bollywood horror films by the Ramsay brothers could actually be quite good if they didn't all run longer than two hours. Slice out of the musical numbers and shockingly bad comedy and you'd have a decent piece of b-grade horror. Tahkhana the Dungeon has all the ingredients required for a good time. It has a cool monster, dorky heroes, reasonably violent death scenes and a soundtrack that's actually okay when people aren't singing over the top of it. Unfortunately, it also has a handful of infuriating musical numbers and some of the worst comic relief I've ever seen. Honestly, the jokes in this move from stupid to absurd to brain melting madness.

Here's an awful example, there is a character who is a cook. He is, I guess, the comic relief character supposedly dishing out the laughs. The other characters seem to find him hilarious, and there's nothing unfunnier than watching characters in a film laughing wildly at unfunny jokes. Here's one of his jokes, to our group of heroes he says "my cooking will make you do this", he then twists his hip (as if faking a fart) and we hear a chicken clucking sound. Everyone laughs hysterically. I had to rewind it a few times in an attempt to comprehend it. Here's another example not involving the cook: our two lead characters (a couple) are ordering food at a restaurant. The sweaty waiter is distracted by the girls legs. The male character asks for "eggs" and the waiter goes "legs?" Haha! Fucking brilliant! Please don't let these awful examples be an encouragement to watch this movie. It is pretty painful. While it has elements that make it watchable, it is not gloriously awful like Mahakaal nor does it ever become just plain good.

The Viking Queen

(UK, 1967, Don Chaffey)

4/10

When a studio makes as many films as Hammer did, some of them are bound to be stinkers. The Viking Queen is one of those stinkers. The Viking Queen is the dull story of a druid queen Salina (Carita), who is predicted to rise against Britain's Roman occupiers. Historical inaccuracies follow. The director of the equally stinky One Million Years B.C. (also from Hammer), Don Chaffey, does his best to inject some style into The Viking Queen, but this is still a pretty miserable affair. What we have in the end is an extremely slow story with a protagonist who's complete dullness makes it impossible to develop any interest in her plight. The Viking Queen is sleep inducing - the film took a while to watch because I kept falling asleep and had to rewind multiple times. The film is peppered with a few interesting scenes - some of the battles are okay and a scene where the Romans humiliate Salina and destroy her town hall was very effective. The Viking Queen also benefits from a fantastic performance from Andrew Keir. Keir is an excellent villain here and it's a shame that a great character delivered with skill went to waste in a film such as this. Don't bother with The Viking Queen.

Yakuza Deka

(Japan, 1970, Yukio Noda)

8/10

Yakuza Deka is another entertaining Sonny Chiba film. This one really packs on the cheese as Chiba, playing a cop, infiltrates a yakuza gang. Chiba has to be the dodgiest cop around (although the film seems unaware of this, making it even funnier) as he murders an endless supply of villains in a variety of brutal ways. While this film is nonstop fun, it is, admittedly, absolute chaos. The first fifteen minutes of Yakuza Deka zoom through a barrage of characters and scenes that would be enough to fill a full length film. It slows down a little after its speedy set up, but not by much. The chaos is kind of annoying at first, yet after a while I grew to appreciate it. Chiba delivers his usual stellar performance, he's a bit more lighthearted here and gets to don some fantastically awesome 70s outfits. The film's finale is a huge winner in all its explosive glory. Yup, Yakuza Deka is as watchable as it is brainless.

Yatterman

(Japan, 2009, Takashi Miike)

9/10

I've watched a lot of films by Takashi Miike, and this is the first in a while that made my jaw drop. Yatterman, despite having a big budget and being one of his commercial efforts, is perhaps the most insane film Miike has ever made. Yes, I know, there's Happiness of the Katakuris, Visitor Q, Full Metal Yakuza and Gozu - and that's only to only name a few - to contend with. But those films operate on a twisted logic that becomes understandable after immersing yourself in Miike's work. Yatterman is just plain madness. It's an adaptation - and I use the term loosely - of an old anime from the 70s. The film appears to be a kid's film and the jokes are supremely juvenile. But there's some truly offensive shit scattered around. There's an endless supply of sexual references - some are quite creepy (the pile of Japanese schoolgirls and the scorpion scene) - and Miike seems to be treating the source material with such disregard that it almost feels hateful. Yet other times, Miike back-flips and it feels as though he is lovingly paying tribute. What his, and the screenwriter's, true thoughts were, I do not know. Throughout the film's opening ten minutes, I thought I was watching a parody scene and the real movie would start after the titles. But no. The film continues with its madcap, over-the-top, reference-material-insulting nuttiness for the next ninety minutes. And I loved it. This is possibly the hardest I've laughed at a Miike film with some gags truly hurting my guts from belly laughs. A review of Yatterman won't do it justice. Just see it. If you're in the right mood, you'll love it. If you're not, well, I'm sorry in advance.

Funnies of the Week #54 - Merry fuckin' Christmas

2011-12-23T19:04:00.000+11:00

Say goodbye to a good night's sleep

Critmis Tree?

Music at its best

This is going to be the worst Christmas ever, isn't it?

Last Week's Movies #43

2011-12-19T13:45:00.000+11:00

Amélie
aka Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain

(France, 2001, Jean-Pierre Jeunet)

9.5/10

Watching Amélie again - I haven't seen it for almost a decade - it hasn't lost any of its charm or stylistic impact. Despite being relentlessly imitated since its release, it still feels fresh (albeit almost parodically French). It was also a sad reminder that Jean-Pierre Jeunet is moving backwards with his filmmaking. A Very Long Engagement and, more recently, Micmacs were both watchable, but certainly lack the magic of Amélie and Delicatessen. Amélie also stands as the only film I've ever enjoyed Audrey Tautou in. She was born to play this role. Amélie, while surrounded by engaging characters, is the reason to watch this film. She is a wonderful character that on paper would seem impossible to pull off without seeming contrived, but Tautou does the job. She is beautiful, funny and frustrating all at once - a wonderful performance. Jeunet keeps us centred on Tautou, only briefly leaving her for entertaining tangents focused on other characters' eccentricities. Amélie is full of multiple interweaving plot-lines and somehow manages to pull it all together, never feeling strained. This film is certainly a love it or hate it affair depending on your tastes. Some, quite understandably, will find this pretentious and forced, but I for one still find it a totally absorbing experience.

Golgo 13

aka Golgo 13: Kûron no kubi

(Japan, 1977, Yukio Noda)

7/10

Sonny Chiba - Japan's answer to Bruce Lee. I've neglected him for far too long. And now I've saturated myself in his films. I've bought two Chiba box sets and plan to power my way through them. Golgo 13 was a fairly positive introduction to his work. Chiba plays Golgo 13, a respectable tough guy assassin that likes putting bullets right between the eyes of his enemies. He's hired (by some gaijin) to kill the top dog drug producing gangster of Hong Kong. Golgo 13 is pretty much what I expected (and wanted) - guns, fights, funky music and Sonny Chiba being a bad ass. In other words, this film is fun shit. Chiba is a presence to behold. He is as tough as they come and his face barely changes from its furrowed brow expression. Golgo 13 is a one-note character, and that's totally fine by me. Chiba doesn't fight much in this, but when he does, it's awesome. The problem with Golgo 13 is its inconsistency. The action is great, even when Chiba isn't involved, but there's a serious lack of it. Worst of all, the film's ending is a massive let down. We're promised a huge battle with Chiba taking out a bunch of douche bags at the villain's fortress. Instead, we're given Chiba weakly hanging off a mountain and fooling around with a sniper rifle. Dull. However, despite its boring ending, the fun scenes outweigh the slothful scenes. Golgo 13 is no masterpiece, but it should please most fans of this brand of cheese.

The H-Man
aka Bijo to Ekitainingen

(Japan, 1958, Ishirô Honda)

7.5/10

Ishirô Honda should be crowned King of the World for delivering Godzilla, King of the Monsters! to us in 1956. He was also involved in some of the best sequels - Destroy All Monsters and Terror of Mechagodzilla being two of my favourites. Take a look at his filmography and you'll see there's even more to the great man than Godzilla. He was the assistant director on some of Kurosawa's finest films and has directed many other great science fiction films for Toho Studios. The H-Man is one of these films. There are no giant monsters in sight, but there are plenty of science fiction thrills to be found. With a cast of familiar faces (at least to those that watch films Toho put out in the 50s and 60s), The H-Man gives us a story not dissimilar to that of The Blob, which also came out in 1958. A gooey radioactive liquid is rolling around Tokyo and melting drug dealers and cops alike. After an irritatingly unnecessary subplot involving drug traffickers is pushed to the side, the police finally realise what's responsible for the melting deaths. They attempt to put a stop to the goo, which, by the way, also retains part of the people it melts and thus is part man hence the name "H-Man". The H-Man, once it gets going, is a very enjoyable watch. I was surprised to find out it was released in 1958. The film is quite gruesome with its near endless supply of melting faces (and frogs). As with all Honda films, The H-Man is shot with class and appears to have a decent budget behind it. Outside of the joys of the deadly goo, there are some entertaining scenes in a crazy looking Westernized club and the film's fiery conclusion is a blast. Not the best film to come out of Toho, but a quality viewing experience for Honda fans nonetheless.

Showdown in Little Tokyo

(USA, 1991, Mark L. Lester)

8/10

I saw the last half of Showdown in Little Tokyo as a kid and remember being quite shocked at the violence and sleaze on display. Watching it as an adult, I have to agree with my child self. Yes, this is a sleazy and violent movie. It is also hilariously dumb and a ton of fun. Showdown in Little Tokyo teams up Dolph Lundgren - the most underrated action guy around - and Brandon Lee - son of Bruce and star of The Crow. Lundgren and Lee are mismatched cops (that actually get along really well from the get go) that are out to take down an American offshoot of the yakuza. Racist stereotypes and inane dialogue follows.

First of all, Lundgren is great in this. I don't know why he didn't become more of a star like his lesser contemporiries such as Van Damme and Seagal. He seems to be able to act and is actually quite charismatic. Lee on the other hand - and I apologise to his rabid fanbase for this - is absolutely horrible. People often talk about how far Lee would've gone had he not tragically died when filming The Crow, but after watching this I'm not so sure. Perhaps his performance in The Crow was a fluke or maybe he simply blew it on this film, but either way, he is truly embarrassing in Showdown in Little Tokyo. He fails to deliver simple lines, his intonation is all over the place and he looks shockingly goofy. I suppose he didn't have much to work with. I mean at one point he has to complement Lundgren on his giant penis (not kidding) in what is one of the oddest and gayest scenes in an action film. Lee is so bad that his rubbishness wound up improving the film. After a while, I couldn't wait to hear him fuck up another line.

The action in Showdown in Little Tokyo is top notch. It has a nasty, dirty vibe to it, which is particularly apparent in the unbelievable finale (in this universe, cops can get away with horrendous murder in a public arena) and an outrageous scene in a bathhouse. Outside of the action, we also get a shocking beheading, a creepy villain and implied rape. Yep, this is a pretty evil slice of ham. The presentation of Japanese people is absolutely hysterical. Lee's character is half-Japanese and a running gag involves Lee not knowing anything about Japanese culture. This joke is taken so far that it becomes absurd. It gets to the point where Lee literally knows nothing about Japan. He isn't aware of things that your average American teenager would know. Hilariously, it makes his character appear borderline mentally challenged. Every Japanese stereotype is included here making the film feel very racist. Lundgren's character is obviously supposed to balance out the blatant racism by his love and knowledge of Japan. This only adds to the laughs. Lundgren's Japanese house - that he, even more hilariously, built himself - made me belly laugh. Yes, Showdown in Little Tokyo is an awesome treat. Fans of action from the 80s and 90s will love this, but I'd recommend that hardcore Lee fanatics steer clear!

Streets of Fire

(USA, 1984, Walter Hill)

8.5/10

Wait. What the hell is this movie? A film by Walter Hill (The Warriors, 48 Hours) that is full of action and rock 'n' roll. A film that stars Michael Paré, Willem Dafoe, Diane Lane and Rick flippin' Moranis (not to mention a cameos by Ed Begley Jr. and Bill Paxton). A film that features Stevie Nicks on the soundtrack, for Christ's sake! What is this movie and why have I never heard of it until now?! Streets of Fire is as good as it sounds and is probably equal in greatness to Hill's The Warriors. The film, in all its semi-futuristic/semi-period-piece glory, is shot with such slickness that I was really surprised to see it was from 1984. While 1984 was a wonderful time for movies, Streets of Fire feels, at least stylistically, ahead of its time. I'd imagine that Robert Rodriguez has masturbated over this one a few times. The cinematography, lighting and set design is incredibly overblown, but it works. The film has a unique mood to it. It plays out almost like a cartoon. The fantastic score by Ry Cooder and original soundtrack also help. The cast is solid. Moranis delivers one of his best performances and Dafoe is at home as the psychotic antagonist. Paré is an excellent and well-suited lead. Streets of Fire is not perfect. I imagine the reason it is not talked about as much as some of Hill's more famous works is that it lets itself down a little with its final scenes. The showdown that the film builds to is a huge disappointment and occasionally the film's action scenes feel as if they were cut short. However, Streets of Fire is still quite the gem. See it and you shall enjoy.

Funnies of the Week #53

2011-12-16T09:28:00.001+11:00

Thanks, Samwell

Back when AIDS was funny, I guess

Even bearded dragons have better phones than me

This video sums up cats nicely

Last Week's Movies #42

2011-12-12T20:23:00.000+11:00

Dark Habits
aka Entre tinieblas

(Spain, 1983, Pedro Almodóvar)

7/10

I'm not sure where I stand with Almodóvar's nutty nun flick Dark Habits. Sure watching nuns shoot up and pat tigers is awesome, but I have to admit I spent most of this film with a confused furrowed brow. Dark Habits farts along with little plot, though admittedly there are some great scenes and ideas sprinkled in. While the film doesn't quite deserve its R rating (Australian R... it definitely deserves its US R), its lack of political correctness still packs a punch. Almodóvar shoots the film with his usual cheese, which is a good thing. Dark Habits looks outrageous with its ridiculous sets, manic lighting and occasionally bonkers camerawork and editing - the acid scenes being a stand out of ridiculousness. The film goes out with a bang - a musical number and all - and, overall, I had fun with it. I'm still getting to know Almodóvar's back catalogue, and this is not a let down. However, it is perhaps the least engaging of his films I've seen thus far.

The Inbetweeners Movie

(UK, 2011, Ben Palmer)

7/10

The Inbetweeners Movie seems to divide people big time. I've read reviews that give it big fat zeros, while others love it. One thing is consistent though - at least from what I've seen and heard - if you haven't seen the show, you'll hate the movie. That in itself leads me to believe The Inbetweeners Movie is not a good film. However, being a pretty big fan of the show, I enjoyed it quite a bit. But I don't think it's quite the comedy masterpiece that some fans are making it out to be. The Inbetweeners Movie suffers from a problem that most movies adapted from television fall victim to. The characters are taken out from their natural habitat and placed in a foreign land (this one is the classic "characters on a holiday" plot). Here it's not as big of a problem as say The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse (which is fairly horrible, by the way), but I did find myself missing some of the side characters.

The film also spends a little too much time trying to redeem Jay and did not keep me on my feet like most of the episodes do asking "oh shit, what's Jay going to ruin next?" The love interests - all four of them - were a mixed bag too. Simon's gal and the bigger boned one were great, but the other two seemed like weak caricatures. The Inbetweeners Movie certainly lacks the consistency of laughs found in the show. That said, the movie is certainly leans more towards good than bad. There are some seriously hilarious scenes - Jay's opening wank scene, the ant hill, Neil's repulsive conquests, the "Pussay Patrol" shirts - and the stretches without laughs aren't too long. The film also gives a frighteningly real vision of a shitty British clubtastic holiday that made me shiver in between the giggles. The cast are as great as ever and the film looks decent enough (some of the editing was a bit too out of control for my liking though). The Inbetweeners Movie is a decent enough send off for the series, but I can't help but think it could have been a little better.

Manhattan

(USA, 1979, Woody Allen)

9.5/10

Wow, here's another classic I wish I had of watched a long time ago. Manhattan is, no doubt, a masterpiece. Woody Allen is perfect as the charismatic - and, of course, neurotic - Isaac. Isaac quits his well paying television job to write a book. Despite being in his forties, he's dating a high school girl (Mariel Hemingway), but soon turns his attention to a friend's mistress (Diane Keaton). Allen is really at the top of his game with this one. His direction is wonderful and the writing is funny and moving. The film looks amazing, matching the brilliant performances. Hemingway is perhaps the stand out as Allen's ill-treated girlfriend. She gives a very true performance - loved it. Keaton, Michael Murphy and Meryl Streep are also a lot of fun. Manhattan is possibly the finest looking Allen film I've seen so far - the black and white photography is beautiful. The ending of Manhattan is fantastic. Woody Allen knows how to finish a film, whether it be sweet, bitter sweet or a punch in the guts. Great film, I'm now officially an Allen convert.

Occult Detective Club: The Doll Cemetery
aka Okaruto tanteidan: Shi-ningyô no hakaba

(Japan, 2006, Kiyoshi Yamamoto)

3/10

Occult Detective Club: The Doll Cemetery is another entry in the Hideshi Hino's Theater of Horror series and it's a stinker. The Theater of Horror movies based on Hino's comics are a mix bag, but none have been this bad. And I've only got one left to watch. We follow the anti-story of a bunch of annoying dorks that are part of, yes, an occult detective club. A bunch of discarded toys are killing off their owners (sort of, I think) and the detective club decides to investigate. They have to go to the doll cemetery (or doll hell, whatever the fuck it is), which is just full of zombies instead of toys for some reason. This is a good example of filmmakers truly blowing a Hino story. This would've been a reasonably difficult story to adapt, but to fuck it up this royally takes skill. There's very little to enjoy in this cheap turd. The cast is forgettable, the effects are woeful - but not woeful enough to be funny, okay maybe a little funny - and the plot is dog shit despite the fun source material. I've seen worse films, but I wouldn't recommend starting with this one when watching Hideshi Hino adaptations.

The Warriors

(USA, 1979, Walter Hill)

8.5/10

Before I get onto The Warriors, I have to say something about the director's cut blu-ray and DVD... steer the fuck clear of it! That is unless you want a lesson on how to completely destroy your own film - the destruction is so intense that even George Lucas blush at the sight of it. Flipping hell! Why did Walter Hill think it was a good idea to insert terrible flash animated "comic book" scene transitions in his film? It's seriously embarrassing and comes close to ruining a great film. Honestly, anyone defending these changes should get their head checked. Anyway, The Warriors - ignoring the horrible additions in the director's cut - is a treat. It quite possibly holds the record for "most ripped off film by Italians in the 1980s", but unlike most of the imitators, this is a truly special film. The plot is simple - set in the near (I guess) future, a gang must make their way back to their territory through several other gangs' territories, all of which are out for their blood. The set up and structure, while basic, is surprisingly unique. This film does not follow typical story trends and has a unique flow to it. Its structure reminded me of a video game - the adaptation on the Playstation 2 a few years back makes sense now - but, weirdly enough, in a good way. The cast is decent enough with a few almost impressive performances ("Warriors, come out and plaaeeay"), the soundtrack is awesome (it reminded me a bit of Goblin's Dawn of the Dead score at times) and the action is sweet. The Warriors is quality stuff. I recommend downloading the original cut or finding the out of print DVD.

Weekend at Bernie's

(USA, 1989, Ted Kotcheff)

6/10

Why did my parents allow me to watch Weekend at Bernie's as a kid? It has necrophilia in it, for Christ's sake! Weekend at Bernie's is a strange film indeed. Two greedy insurance dorks hide the fact that their corrupt boss has died. Why they think pretending their boss is alive is a good idea is a mystery to me. But anyway, funny situations involving a dead body occur. Over and over again. And that's it. I have no idea why I loved it so much throughout my childhood, nor do I understand how this film was a hit. The film's concept is like something you'd come up with as a teenager, get really excited about for five minutes, then quickly realise how stupid it is and scrap it. The cast is obnoxious as hell - with the exception of Return of the Living Dead's Don Calfa (love that guy). It's like Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman were having a contest of who could be the most annoying douche. Weekend at Bernie's should be a lot more twisted than it is - I mean, every gag centres around a corpse - yet it's far too goofy to slot into the black comedy category. It looks cheap as hell too. Director Ted Kotcheff is a talented man - he brought us Wake in Fright (one of the greatest Australian movies ever made) and First Blood - but you couldn't tell watching Weekend at Bernie's. Everything looks like a bad set - even the beach scenes - and there's a stench of television movie wafting about. I can't hate Weekend at Bernie's though. As dumb and irritating as it is, it's somehow thoroughly watchable. Maybe it's the child in me desperately clinging onto it, but Weekend at Bernie's is - gulp - fun.

Funnies of the Week #52: Funnies of the Year!

2011-12-09T22:01:00.000+11:00

Whoa! A year's worth of funnies! Here's my selection of the fifteen funniest videos from the past 51 Funnies of the Week posts! Note: These aren't necessarily videos from 2011, just ones I stumbled across this year.

One of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen

A lovely summary of everything that's wrong with the world

This man is a prince

One of the best cat videos of the year

And here is the cat vid of the year

The hardest I've laughed at a ridiculously specific fetish

This is Japan

This is dogs

The Nastyass Honey Badger is one of 2011's finest

One of WolfgoreShow's many brilliant videos

Educational, performance art hilarity

Give him back

Walking for kisses!

A list wouldn't be complete without this excellence

This is the funniest thing I saw all year... I can't get enough of SHAKMAAAAA!!

Last Week's Movies #41

2011-12-04T23:11:00.001+11:00

Africa Addio

(Italy, 1966, Gualtiero Jacopetti & Franco Prosperi)

7/10

Well, I've finally seen Africa Addio, and yes, it's as offensive as I expected. Don't let anyone fool you with claims that this is some kind of beautiful work of art. This is an evil exploitation film. I'm sure the rumours are true that scumbag geniuses Jacopetti and Prosperi caused a few human deaths for their film's benefit. Not to mention a Noah's ark of animals that are slaughtered disgustingly and graphically to the camera's delight. But worst of all is the film's racism. This is a nasty and hateful film that makes white people out to be perfection personified and blacks to be violent savages. Yes, it's offensive as fuck. And it's all very obvious and obnoxious. Perhaps in 1966 the visual metaphors and rambling narration seemed clever, but today it does not. At all. At times - when there's no animal slaughter - it's downright laughable. But still, I get why this is raised high on the exploitation pedestal. It does what it sets out to do - it disgusts, offends and leaves its audience completely depressed. It paints a horrible portrait of Africa, which - while racist - probably has some truth in it. And from a filmmaking standpoint, there's a lot to respect. Africa Addio looks amazing - the cinematography is great - and the music, while kind of obvious and overblown, it pretty impressive too. This is a reprehensible piece of cinematic history that should be seen by anyone that is even slightly interested in film.

Ninja Kids!!!
aka Nintama Rantarô

(Japan, 2011, Takashi Miike)

8.5/10

I'm so pleased that I got to see two Miike movies at the cinema this year. Ninja Kids!!! is not his finest work - it's probably not even his best kid's film, if you include Zebraman - but this anime adaptation is still an absolute blast. The film is what you'd expect based on the title - we follow a group of ninja kids in training who, inevitably, are presented with a seemingly impossible challenge. Ninja Kids!!! is consistently funny with some truly gut-hurting laughs that pop up every now and then. The characters - both their design and their performers - are fantastic, but admittedly there is probably too many of them. That's the film's biggest downfall - it's all a bit too much. While it is entertaining, the plot is incredibly complicated - needlessly complicated - with far too much information being thrown at us at certain points in the movie. Ninja Kids!!! spends more time explaining than showing, which can get a little frustrating. That said, this is poked fun of at points in the film and actually winds up working in its favour. The film's ending also seems a little less epic than it should be and is somehow too short and too long simultaneously. But the good definitely outweighs the bad. Ninja Kids!!! is never boring and is mostly hilarious. Miike, once again, gives us an awesome and rewatchable flick.

Funnies of the Week #51

2011-12-02T17:20:00.000+11:00

omg i cant waaait

Bad movies are in a bad state these days

Welcome to Planet Earth

Beautiful Turds: PLANKTON

2011-11-30T19:50:00.001+11:00

This month's Beautiful Turd is...

PLANKTON
aka Creatures from the Abyss

Directed by: Massimiliano Cerchi

Starring: Clay Rogers, Michael Bon, Sharon Twomey

Year of release: 1994 Country: Italy

Why the city shots, title sequence?

Oh, Plankton! Has stupidity ever been this sweet? Ah, Plankton! Who would've thought a movie from the 90s could look so deliciously 80s? Ha, Plankton! You make me so happy, and you can proudly lift your crusted chin to the sky knowing you are far more entertaining than a high earning box office hit. Whoa, Plankton! You son of a bitch! You tricked me! During your opening fifteen minutes - whilst I was happily entertained - I thought you were merely a simply fun b-movie. But, you are so much more, aren’t you, my sweet Plankton? If you were a lady, I'd marry you. Hell, if it were legal to marry celluloid, I’d marry you. You'd always keep me guessing, wouldn’t you, Plankton? What a wonderful marriage we would have. We could raise tiny badly dubbed fishmen that love a good smashing – and I mean “smashing” in all its multiple meanings. Oh my fish-fucking God, Plankton! You are a ridiculous maniac of the highest order! I want to smash you in the face and fucking love the shit out of you!

This still sums up Plankton pretty well

Plankton - or Creatures from the Abyss, as my DVD titled it - is one hell of a bad movie with one hell of a bad movie plot. The back cover led me to believe this was simply about fish monsters. "Bah! I've seen that shit before", tutted I. And yes, Plankton is about fish monsters. But insert "horny" in front of "fish monsters", and we're working on a whole new level. Yes, you read that correctly. Horny. Fish. Monsters. Let me wind things back a little with a synopsis. Some punk teenagers - or maybe idiots in their early twenties, it was hard to tell - go out for a little boat ride, but forget their petrol. The gang of idiots is comprised of a social incompetent know-it-all leader, a rapist-cum-comedian Bobby and three girls that slot into the categories of “leading man's girl”, “dumb slut” and “dumb slut's sister”. I don't like throwing nasty words like "slut" around, but seriously, it's justifiable here. Looking like a bunch of 80s dorks, these 90s dorks get stuck out in a storm on their cruddy boat. A dead body floats by, but they quickly forget about that traumatising event and board a nearby empty yacht. At this point a character cleverly points out that the dead body may have something to do with the abandoned ship. Bobby (Michael Bon) - the comedian-rapist - thinks the expensive and well-decorated yacht is a drug front, Mike (Clay Rogers) thinks it's a scientific laboratory for studying mutant fish. Mike's right, of course, and the film eventually reveals - after our lovable heroes find a half-dead and all-mad professor and one of the girls pukes up a few cockroaches - that these mutant fish have been eating some nasty plankton. Plankton, that when consumed in various ways, turns our fabulous heroes them into brainless fish monsters that love to fuck. Yes, horny fuckin' fish monsters!

Our cast of fools

Plankton is a sneaky bastard. It fools us from the beginning with its bog standard – ignoring the rape jokes – opening, its cookie cutter characters, and its typical horror movie plot. Sure, it's hilarious. The performances and dialogue are outrageous, and the film has a strong stench of cheesy cheese from its first frame. Yeah, I was having a great time with it. Then came the scene where all is goes to hell (a funny hell albeit); a scene I had to rewind several times to make sure I’d understood it correctly. Our hero Mike lies in bed reading a scientific journal found on the yacht. His dreams of mutant fish are confirmed, but the added dosage of fucked up interspecies sex is a huge surprise to him. And me. And every other person that has ever watched this film. Reading the book, Mike confusedly narrates the text, which seems to be about horny fish. I had no idea what was going on, and my mouth was agape, too shocked to giggle. The scene ends, and we cut abruptly to the sickly and insane professor that our heroes found earlier. A mostly off-screen Mike looms over the man of science and asks, “How long have you been fucking fish, Professor?” And now the tone for the rest of the film is set. Yes, this is the craziest fucking plot ever conceived.

You just know this idiot is going to cause trouble

Plankton's insane plot isn’t the only chuckle-provider; our two leads are very special boys. I don't know whether it's brilliant writing or great casting, but these two are kingpins of shitty acting. It's hard to pick a favourite of the two. Michael Bon's Bobby seems the obvious choice. He threatens to rape his female friends, makes absurd nonsensical jokes (that the other characters actually laugh at) and plays a prank on his friends in almost every scene. He is full of shocking one-liners and sports a monobrow that would make Frida Kahlo proud. This is an excellent bad-performance that Michael Bon should be severely ashamed of. Clay Rogers, as Mike, is no slouch though, and I'd say that he might even provide the superior funnies. Bobby brings the belly laughs, but Mike's unintentional comedy is subtle and consistent. Rogers presents his character as an egomaniac (though I doubt the scriptwriter or director had this character flaw in mind) with knowledge of practically everything. Mike never shuts up and whenever someone points to something scientific and asks what it is, he responds with "it's a [insert something highly technical and specific], of course". He then proceeds to launch into a mumbling diatribe peppered with bullshit backyard science in his Christopher Walken sounding dubbed voice. He appears to have no feelings for his girlfriend or friends, but boy, does he love science. The ladies of the cast provide a few additional guffaws, especially the slightly overweight girl who remains in her bikini for the entire film.

Comedy relief, anyone?

So you’ve got some hilarious performances and some fish sex, how about some absurd slow motion fish smashing? What about nonsensical POVs? What about nutty wide angled tracking shots that pop up at random? Yes, Plankton is a mess of wild Italian style. For the most part, Plankton looks pretty cheap. But I can’t deny director Massimiliano Cerchi has some serious stylistic skills, as goofy as they are. The pointless point of view shots, from what we can only assume are invisible fish (considering the lack of reaction the characters give them), are pretty awesome, plus it’s the only time I’ve seen a fish-eye lens used show a fish’s point of view. It’s idiot-genius in full effect. Cerchi really loves his wide angled shots, but, unlike his Italian horror contemporaries (like say Soavi), he doesn’t quite know how to use them. In scenes that are – on paper – fairly bland, wide angled shots are tossed in left, right and centre. It’s completely mad and ties in with the insanity of the plot. One of my favourite moments of visual nuttiness is when a character throws up liquid (with added insects) yellow vomit over the camera. It’s all shot under a disturbing purplish-blue light that makes the room appear like a public toilet frequented by junkies. It’s not all happy mistakes. There are many moments of the worst kind of stylistic turdery, which leads to many a laugh. So I guess they are still happy mistakes. Watching our protagonist screaming and heroically smashing frozen fish in frame blended slow motion is beautifully pathetic. In true bad movie form, the scene goes for way too long becoming funnier by each mind-numbing minute.

The vom shot

The set design matches the absurdity and ridiculousness of the cinematography and editing. The yacht has been constructed to appear futuristic, I guess. Every piece of technology we see communicates with the film’s characters. It also seems the yacht’s technology wants to fuck anyone and everyone that comes near it. In line with the pornographic plot, Plankton’s animated sets and props are about as sexualised as the professor’s relationship with fish. There is a hallway on the yacht near the characters’ bedrooms (yep, they decide to do a bit of sleeping when they’re not being stalked by fish monsters) where a clock shaped as a mermaid with one giant eyeball – mechanical eyelids, eyelashes and all – tells people the time whenever anyone walks past. Not only is this incredibly annoying, the clock also sexes up its voice. Similarly, the shower is personalised by an interactive screen featuring a sex-starved lady that looks like a late 80s porn star. She offers to wash the characters using a few choice (and sexy) methods. Who the fuck designed this yacht? Hugh Hefner? Weren’t these people scientists? Were they seriously that fucking lonely and horny? Wouldn’t having pieces of technology wanting to fuck them only remind them of what they’re missing out on? Oh, by the way, there’s also a giant stuffed bear in one of the rooms.

I never knew props could be this annoying

Sex and violence go hand-in-hand in Plankton. There is only one sex scene on display, but it is one for the exploitation archives. I won’t give it all away, but it involves metamorphosis, an eyeball falling into someone’s mouth, and, yes, there is an element of gooey fishiness to it too. The effects during this scene – and throughout most of Plankton – are surprisingly effective in that way that only practical effects can be. The fish monsters are generally presented with reasonably accomplished puppetry, and, when they are shown in their entirety, stop motion. This is not John Carpenter’s The Thing, but it ain’t half bad. While the effects are infrequent and not particularly gory, they’re fun, memorable and somewhat disgusting in most cases. (Never have I seen fish eggs used in such a repulsive manner.) Where the film fails miserably – so, in other words, where it wins – is the horrendous video effects. The rotten video effects were what made me realise that this was a film of the nineties. The finale of Plankton uses fake explosions that a high school student would be ashamed of in their student film. And let’s not forget the woeful flying fish. Good one, Plankton!

One of the weirder sex scenes in film history

Aside from the fish sex, Plankton’s best feature is – as with many Italian films of the 80s and 90s – the awful, awful dubbing. The voices used are an absolute gut-buster. As mentioned earlier, Mike’s voice is monotone and has a dollop of weirdly intonated Walken thrown into the mix. It’s possibly the weakest dubbed voice I’ve ever heard and makes his character sound like a less enthusiastic incarnation of Toby Radloff. The rest of the voices are typically ill suited, and they talk over each other as much as you’d expect and hope. What truly surprised me was that the American voice actors were – at times – clearly taking the piss of the film. For Plankton’s first three quarters, this isn’t obvious. A few lines and some outrageous phrasing made my eyebrows raise a few times, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. But once the yacht is set on fire in the final scenes, the film spirals into Zucker Brothers territory. An alarm with a human voice (terribly) imitating a computer starts shouting warnings at the characters. If you listen carefully – and not even that carefully – you’ll notice the alarm shouting out bad gags like “take me with you!” or throwing out sarcastic comments to the characters. It’s unbelievable to think – with all the garbage these voice actors would’ve dubbed back in the day – that this film they considered worthless enough to completely disrespectfully fuck with. This is a true moment of exploitation movie magic.

Uh...

Plankton – along with other splendid shit like Story of Ricky – is a lovely reminder that beautiful trash on par with the best of the golden age of the 1980s existed well into the 1990s. Perhaps that time is over with cynically deliberate pieces of shit like Megashark vs. Giant Octopus taking of the true b-movie genre. The so-bad-it’s-good-but-still-kind-of-awesome-and-not-in-an-ironic-way film is hard to find these days. In fact, I’m yet to see one post-2000. Sure there are bad movies (yes, The Room, despite its overexposure, is one of best), but not this kind of good-bad. At best, trash of today is simply bad-good. Plankton is a truly mesmerising turd. It is bad, as bad as they get. Yet it’s full of creativity, and, if you’ve watched the DVD extras, Massimiliano Cerchi is clearly incredibly passionate about his wonderful piece of shit. And rightfully bloody so! Films don’t get much more insane than this. While I’ve seen marginally more entertaining bad movies, this is certainly the weirdest. Plankton is a gem, underrated by trash fans. It’s time to hoist it out of the sewer and thrust it high above to its rightful position as an undeniable work of crap covered art.

Last Week's Movies #40

2011-11-28T12:33:00.001+11:00

Harold and Maude

(USA, 1971, Hal Ashby)

10/10

I dish out a lot of perfect scores in my cruddy little movie reviews. A lot of movie watchers seem to have the opinion that no movie is perfect, and you can find flaws in every film, and a proper review will never give a ten, and blah blah blah. Yeah, sure, I guess I could find flaws in movies I give perfect marks for, but those flaws often are part of a film's perfection. If that makes sense at all. The flaws are part of the movie, and the movie is perfect. Harold and Maude, however, is a film with, as far as I can tell, no flaws. I mean really, what more could you possibly want from a film? Wonderful music from Cat Stevens, absolutely amazing performances from Bud Cort and Ruth Gordon, a beautiful free-flowing story, a head scratching - yet entirely suited - ending, huge laughs, incredible cinematography and a real emotional connection to some truly unique characters. It's hard to believe that Harold and Maude was made in 1971. Truly ahead of its time, this film could be released today and, other than the slightly grainier stock, still be entirely fresh. And this is taking into account that Harold and Maude has clearly been a huge influence on modern cinema and imitated by many filmmakers, most obviously Wes Anderson. This is my second viewing of the film, and it has gone from being a film I love to a film that I'd consider one of my all-time favourites. I haven't bothered with a plot outline. Just watch it and enjoy. See if you nearly wet yourself with joy, like I did, when Harold breaks the fourth wall. Perfection.

Whatever Works

(USA, 2009, Woody Allen)

8/10

Another step forward in my Woody Allen education, Whatever Works was a pretty enjoyable watch. Larry David fills in Allen's shoes as Boris, a self-proclaimed genius, who takes in a young runaway, Melody (Evan Rachel Wood). Boris - in true Allen style - winds up marrying her. Whatever Works has its fair share of problems, but Larry David truly elevates the film. He is perfect in the Woody-esque role and is an example of excellent and clever casting. You can hear the Woody in David's lines, but he injects enough of his furious, but lovable, personality to make it his own. Every line he says is spat with hilarious venom and paranoia. I loved him. Evan Rachel Wood is okay in her role, and I grew to like her character. But she is a little out of place to begin with.

The rest of the cast is filled out with some great supporting characters. Patricia Clarkson is great - as always - as Wood's mother, and the amazing Ed Begley Jr. does wonders with his miniscule role. Michael McKean's talents are wasted, but overall an impressive and well-used cast. The story is fun and engaging, although I found the introduction of Randy (Henry Cavill) - the man who plans to destroy Boris's not-so-perfect marriage - somewhat on the sloppy side. It didn't help that his character was sickly sweet and wound up kind of repulsive (not sure if that was intentional). Whatever Works also allows David to speak to camera. Sometimes, it works. Other times, it goes a little too long. For example, in the opening scene it feels as if Larry David will never shut up. I did, however, enjoy the confused acknowledgement of Boris addressing the "audience" by the other characters. It was something that in theory should have failed miserably, but somehow Allen pulls it off. Whatever Works manages to keep a reasonably even pace of enjoyment. Yup, I dug it.

Gav's Garden - Episode 4: (Christmas) Decorations

2011-11-28T11:20:00.001+11:00

Gav's Garden screens Saturdays at 10pm on Channel 31 as part of Lost Dog TV!

Episode 4 - (Christmas) Decorations

directed and edited by Dave Jackson

produced by Dave Jackson and P. Lloga

written by Dave Jackson, P. Lloga and the cast

sound recording P. Lloga and Taena Hoshi

camera Ben Usher and Dave Jackson

starring...

Gavin Murray

also featuring...

Paul Gregerson

David Jackson
Madeleine Tucker

Matthew C. Vaughan

soundtrack...

"Gav's Garden theme song"

composed and performed by Ben Usher

Funnies of the Week #50

2011-11-25T20:20:00.001+11:00

Cat Video of the Week I: A cat dresses as a banana, and eats a banana... my brain just died

Cat Video of the Week 2: Fuck

Cat Video of the Week 3: This shouldn't make me laugh as much as it does

This man was once in a position of political power

Quality news themed funny uncovered by the Internet's Michael De Robbio

I thank you, internet, sincerely

This is as impressive as it is funny

This is probably what my kids will be like... all the time

Gav's Garden posters: Jaws

2011-11-22T15:20:00.000+11:00

I'm sure you were all bowled over by Pierre's beautiful Die Hard 2 posters from the first episode of Gav's Garden. Well, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Pierre went and did the impossible. Yes, these Jaws posters from episode 2 are perhaps even more exquisite. Stay tuned for more...

Gav's Garden - Episode 3: Garden Tucker

2011-11-22T02:56:00.002+11:00

Gav's Garden screens Saturdays at 10pm on Channel 31 as part of Lost Dog TV!

Episode 3 - Garden Tucker

directed and edited by Dave Jackson

produced by Dave Jackson and P. Lloga

written by Dave Jackson, P. Lloga and the cast

sound recording P. Lloga

camera Ben Usher, Brok Power and Dave Jackson

starring...

Gavin Murray

also featuring...

James Arnold-Garvey

Michael De Robbio

Paul Gregerson
Madeleine Tucker

Ben Usher

soundtrack...

"Gav's Garden theme song"

composed and performed by Ben Usher

Last Week's Movies #39

2011-11-22T00:44:00.002+11:00

Absurd
aka Rosso Sangue

(Italy, 1981, Joe D'Amato)

4.5/10

Absurd is known under many titles, so many that I haven't bothered to put them all up. My favourite of its titles is the recent DVD labeling of Horrible. Horrible is a pretty good title. It lets the audience know what they're in for. Joe D'Amato is a filmmaker that I enjoy with the awareness that his movies are mostly worthless garbage. Beyond the Darkness is an inept but wildly entertaining gore-fest. And Anthropophagus lives up to its nasty reputation. I haven't been able to bring myself to delve into his horror-porn vehicles, maybe one day when I'm feeling really tolerant. Absurd is an unofficial sequel to Anthropophagus. George Eastman plays a similar role - although he's less of a cannibal this time - and the film has a similar plodding structure. They are also both impressively gory, which is perhaps Absurd's only redeeming feature. While Anthropophagus takes its time getting to the goods, when it finally does, it's pretty enjoyable and tense. I can't say the same for Absurd. Admittedly, there are glimmers of brilliance. Almost all the death scenes are nicely over the top and creative, but the problem is there's too much waiting in-between. I was hoping, like Anthropophagus, Absurd would have a killer final act to make up for its prior dullness, which for a while actually looked to be the case. Eastman's home invasion in the film's latter third is almost great. But annoyingly, it degenerates into an extremely weary drawn out stalk scene that is so repetitive and unimaginative that I nearly fell asleep. Still, I'd have to say, this is still worth a watch just for its flashes of almost-greatness and its sleazy atmosphere. Fans of Italian trash will get something out of it.

Baby Mama

(USA, 2008, Michael McCullers)

5/10

Most of the time I spent watching Baby Mama, I was wondering why the hell Tina Fey decided to star in this cutesy Hollywood mediocre-fest. The rest of the time, I wondered why I was bothering to watch it. Sometimes, I feel the need to watch something that's incredibly average. Something I don't need to concentrate on. And that's exactly what this is. A cheesy story with a hint of odd anti-surrogate attitude, Baby Mama is not going to be anyone's favourite movie. Tina Fey stars as a successful business woman who desperately wants a baby. (Imagine if you put "to be" between "wants and "baby! Then this would be an amazing movie!) She visits an organisation that provides surrogates and winds up with white trash Amy Poehler as her baby-maker. Poehler becomes pregnant with Tina Fey's child, but turns out she's lying about the pregnancy. Blah, blah, blah. You can probably guess what happens from there.

Fey doesn't quite embarrass herself in this, though she's not exactly a revelation either. Fans of her comedy will not find much to giggle at here. Poehler is definitely the best thing in the movie and provides a handful of decent laughs. She deserves better than this. The rest of the main cast is made up of a terrible and out of place Steve Martin (I wish he'd stop doing useless roles like this), Greg Kinnear (why the hell is he in this movie?) and Romany Malco (what a waste of a funny guy). The cast - other than Martin - do their best with the shitful material and I have to admit that Baby Mama is not unwatchable. It's not terrible, just completely average, which to me is worse than a bad film. Tina Fey is unable to rise above the trite script (unlike the surprisingly okay Date Night, where Carrell and Fey had clearly taken control of their lines and improved what could have been a total turd) and we're left with a film that no one really needs to see.

Cash on Demand

(UK, 1962, Quentin Lawrence)

9.5/10

A movie that places A Christmas Carol in the thriller genre, Cash on Demand is one of the finest Hammer films I've had the pleasure of viewing. And before I bought Sony's Icons of Suspense set, I'd never even heard of it. The great Peter Cushing stars as Fordyce, a Scrooge-like bank manager. He runs a tight ship and keeps his relationships with staff purely professional and cold. Enter Hepburn (the equally great André Morell). Hepburn, a charming and ruthless criminal, makes his way into Fordyce's office with the facade that he is working for the bank's insurance company. Without the staff knowing, Fordyce is forced into assisting Hepburn in robbing the bank. The film rarely leaves the location of the bank, only stepping outside into the snowy exterior a handful of times and never leaving the front of the building. While the supporting cast is excellent, as you'd expect from a Hammer production, the script is focused on the interaction between Fordyce and Hepburn.

Cushing and Morell are well cast in their roles and it is certainly a high point in both their careers. (Not in terms of fame, but in raw skill.) I'd go as far to say that this is perhaps the best performance from Morell that I've seen and it's fascinating to see Cushing in such a passive role. He plays it beautifully. Fordyce begins as quite a unlikeable character, but as Hepburn puts him through psychological torture, our sympathy for him grows. By the end of the film, Fordyce is a different character and we can see that he is left with a new set of morals. This transition is shown with subtlety that only an actor as skilled as Cushing could pull off. Morell, on the other hand, plays an uncomfortably likable villain. He is so charismatic that we forget how brutal he is - he even reminds us of exactly this when Fordyce attempts to stand up to him. I've always enjoyed Morell in Hammer films and here he is given a huge chunk of well deserved screen time. It was great seeing these two legends sharing the screen again; I was very taken with their chemistry in the excellent The Hound of the Baskervilles (also from Hammer).

Cash on Demand has an extremely low budget - apparently only £37,000 by today's standards, which is quite unbelievable - but it doesn't show and does not hurt the production. The limit on locations works wonders in creating the film's tense atmosphere and the cinematography is as impressive as any higher budgeted Hammer film. It is satisfying to see how an amazing film can be produced for little money when the script is tight and well paced. The screenplay by David T. Chantler and Lewis Greifer is based on a play by Jacques Gillies. Its play roots are clear in its lack of locations, but it perfect material for a taut thriller such as this. Cash on Demand effortlessly remains exhilarating and seems fast-paced, despite not moving from its location. As Fordyce's struggle develops and worsens, the film becomes increasingly stressful, ending in a dizzying conclusion. This should be remembered as one of Hammer's best (it's not sadly) and lovers of this kind of crime thriller will lap Cash on Demand up.

The Damned
aka These Are the Damned

(UK, 1963, Joseph Losey)

8/10

The Damned is not your average Hammer film. At first, it seems inspired by A Clockwork Orange (the novella, not the film that would come out later), then the story progresses, and it becomes a very odd science-fiction thriller. Simon (Macdonald Carey) is an American on holiday in the UK. It doesn't start well. He's robbed and beaten by a gang - led by King (Oliver Reed) - after being deceived by a girl called Joan (Shirley Anne Field). Still, Simon winds up falling in love with Joan and tries to help her escape from her psychotic brother King. Their escape takes them to a strange place. To say anymore would ruin some very odd surprises. To start with the bad stuff, The Damned is far from perfect. Macdonald Carey is a pretty weak lead and his relationship with the young Shirley Anne Field is kind of foul. The story, while fascinating and bizarre, takes too long to get going and occasionally pauses altogether. Even though the film has already a short running time, it felt in need of a trim. On the up side, outside of Carey, the cast is great, especially Oliver Reed in one of the nuttiest roles of his career. The Damned is also a fine looking film. Shot in black and white, the cinematography is stunning with some truly impressive shots (a long and complicated point of view shot being an impressive standout). The film is a must see simply because of how absurd and cruel it is. The finale of The Damned is quite shocking. This is a true oddity in Hammer's back catalogue.

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)

(Netherlands/UK, 2011, Tom Six)

.../10

To those of you that have downloaded The Human Centipede II, wait. Don't watch it. Not because it is shockingly fucked up (it is). Not because I'm worried about Tom Six losing a few bucks. Don't watch it, because it is cut. This film needs to be seen in its horrendous, stupid, gory uncut glory. Any cuts would wreck it. Luckily, I got to see it uncut at the Nova Q & A screening, but you've still got a chance to see it before the Australian censor board hacks it to pieces (or bans it altogether - my vote is on banning) on the 28th of November. This is the film that people thought the first one was going to be - nonstop disgusting chaos. Tom Six smartly takes this sequel in a completely different direction to the first. (I've heard some reviewers complaining that this is a repeat of the first... what the fuck movie were they watching?!) Instead of the talky, and excellent, doctor of the first, we have a silent simpleton with no medical experience whatsoever. Basically The Human Centipede II asks "what would happen if an idiot tried to create a human centipede?" Lawrence R. Harvey is brilliant as Martin and this is his film from start to end. Six shoots this as a grittier and grimier film than the original, but happily continues to stay away from irritating nu-horror over-editing and cutting. The atrocities on camera have to be seen to be believed. Unlike something like A Serbian Film, The Human Centipede II has a dollop of ridiculousness thrown over the nasties that makes the whole experience hilarious as well as horrifying. I'll say no more. See this. Uncut! This goes beyond ratings out of ten.

Lethal Weapon

(USA, 1987, Richard Donner)

9/10

Lethal Weapon is every bit as good as I remember it being. Not that I remember much of it. It's been many years. It is certainly an action film of the 80s. Back when it was okay for the hero to kill countless villains and lines like "I'm getting too old for this shit" hadn't been hammered to death. Mel Gibson and Danny Glover make a great team; they are perhaps the best mismatched duo in action film history. A pre-insane Gibson definitely steals the show as the unstable Riggs. Riggs is a fantastic character and one that we would never see in a commercial action film today. It's rare to see a hero shoving a gun in his mouth and sobbing, not to mention his clear enjoyment in killing. Lethal Weapon has a perfect balance between action and comedy - something that is rarely pulled off well (compare this to the Rush Hour movies). The action is big and bold and, of course, there's not a hint of stinky CGI. On top of all that, we get some great side character (Tom Atkins! Gary Busey!), an awesomely dated score and surprisingly dark and sleazy scenes. Lethal Weapon is not only one of the best action films of the 80s - ranking alongside my favourites Predator and Robocop (call them sci-fi if you will, but they're action films to me) - it has held up and stands as one of the best of all time.

Los Olvidados
aka The Young and the Damned

(Mexico, 1950, Luis Buñuel)

9.5/10

The best thing about having Luis Buñuel as my favourite director is that his output was not only enormous, but also consistent. I've seen at least two thirds of his films and never have I seen a bad one. And it would take more than one hand to count his films I consider masterpieces. Los Olvidados sits up there with his best, but it is quite a different film from both the early Buñuel of in your face insanity like Un Chien Andalou and the latter day Buñuel, where I believe he made his greatest work. Los Olvidados fits more comfortably alongside the neorealist movement, which was still happening in Italy in 1950. It didn't surprise me to hear Buñuel had been inspired by De Sica's Shoeshine. Shoeshine came to mind from the opening scenes of Los Olvidados. Their themes and tones are similar, not to mention they are equally depressing. Los Olvidados focuses on a group of rough and poor boys; the cruel and arrogant "El Jaibo" (Roberto Cobo) is their leader who has recently escaped from prison. Jaibo enlists Pedro (Alfonso Mejía) - one of the boys in the gang - to find Julian (Javier Amézcua) whom Jaibo blames for his incarceration. Jaibo beats Julian and accidentally kills him much to the horror of Pedro. The film's focus then becomes the terrible influence Jaibo has over Pedro's life and Pedro's constant failed attempts to better himself.

This is one hell of a grueling film and is perhaps the coldest - and most unglamorous - portrayal of youth and poverty I've seen. There is very little hope shown here. Buñuel has obviously made it his mission to present the story as starkly as possible. Los Olvidados is shot with restraint - but obvious skill - with only a handful of scenes giving away Buñuel's surrealist swaying. The best example of this is an impressive dream sequence that has to be seen to be believed. I've never seen chickens shot in such a frightening way. Much like in Italian neorealism, Buñuel seems to have cast non-actors (I'm only guessing this from their appearances) or at least a few non-actors. Alfonso Mejía is the ever-suffering and complicated protagonist who is easy to get behind and his performance serves the film well. Roberto Cobo is truly heinous, but towards the end of the film, I couldn't help but take blame away from his character and place it on poverty. Estela Inda is also great playing the difficult character of Pedro's mother. Los Olvidados is a fascinating entry in Buñuel's career. This would be a good place to start for those wanting to see what the man did outside Un Chien Andalou (personally, I think Un Chien is his least interesting film) and for his supporters that are interested in seeing something a little less surreal.

The Runaways

(USA, 2010, Floria Sigismondi)

4.5/10

The Runaways could be summarised in three words: slightly below average. I suppose I better write a little more. I didn't hate The Runaways, it was just so irritatingly mediocre. The film gives us the bland story of The Runaways - the band where Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) cut her musical teeth. The film's real focus is on Cherie Currie (Dakota Fanning), the troubled (and underage) lead singer. Admittedly, this film isn't a total shitfest. Fanning is great in the lead role (she is the lead, despite the second billing on most of the posters). And, as you'd hope, the music is good. But that's about where it ends for me. The Runaways plods along showing us all the typical ups and downs we've come to associate with these kind of music biopics. Most of the time it's simply unremarkable, other times it becomes comical. An example of the latter is Kristen Stewart's ridiculous and pathetic breakdown in the recording studio. In fact, Stewart's performance is pretty hysterical throughout the film. I've never seen her in anything before - I've avoided the Twilight movies like the plague - and she is truly terrible. Never once did I think of her as Joan Jett, she was just Kristen Stewart with a bad haircut. Her performance moves between moody mumbling to emotional screaming; both unconvincing. The film also scores a few laughs for its outrageous scenes in "Japan". Surely they could have done a little more than throwing in a few Geishas and screaming schoolgirls - the inauthenticity of these scenes was a fucking disgrace. Really though, The Runaways, for the most part, simply teeters on mediocrity, which made for quite a dull affair. I guess fans of the band will dig this, but if a blandly shot (I'm guessing the director was trying to make this film look seventies by piling on the fake grain - lame), averagely acted, cookie cutter film came out about one of my favourite bands, I'd be pretty pissed off.

Underwater Love
aka Onna no kappa

(Japan/Germany, 2011, Shinji Imaoka)

7/10

Just describing what this film is should be enough to get your average curious movie goer to see it. Underwater Love is a pinku (a specific sort of Japanese soft-core pornography, although this one is a little light on the porn and hardly qualifies) musical about a horny kappa (half human, half turtle) trying to win over a high school love (he used to be human) with cinematography by Christopher Doyle (yes, the Christopher Doyle) and music by Stereo Total. It lives up to its bizarro expectations - how could it not? - but for those well-versed in Japanese weirdness, it's nothing too out of the ordinary. Underwater Love looks great, the music is fun (although often it sounds as if it wasn't written for the movie) and the porn is not too overbearing. You also get to see a giant turtle cock. There's quite a few laughs in this one and fans of (nutty) Japanese cinema will dig it. I can imagine a more mainstream audience kind of enjoying this one too, believe it or not. It's gentle enough to show your mum if you fast forward the naughty bits.

Zero in and Scream

(USA, 1971, Lee Frost)

4/10

I'm struggling to remember anything to say about this crappy exploitation flick. Directed by the legendary Lee Frost, Zero in and Scream is far from the greatness of The Defilers. We've got the story of a serial killer who likes to shoot men with a sniper rifle while they're in the middle of banging their lady friends. Sounds great, hey? But it's not really. The murder scenes are decent enough, but holy shit, there is so much fucking filler in this film. Want to watch a stilted, long lesbian sex scene through the wide angled cross hair of a gun? Then this is the film for you. Some scenes, like the underwater orgy, seem fun at first, but after ten minutes, they get pretty draining. The performances are all garbage as you'd hope (a few quality giggles to be had at their expense) and the film is shot decently enough. It's the editing - or lack there of - that's the problem. If this was edited to a ten minute short, it'd probably be almost watchable. I've seen far worse films than Zero in and Scream, but I won't be watching it again in a hurry.

Funnies of the Week #49

2011-11-18T14:31:00.000+11:00

A lovely little cat vid to kick things off

This made me laugh so hard

And keeping with the superhero theme

What a couple of drips

Baby videos usually are the definition of not funny, but this one is great

Another classic of Ghanaian cinema

More genius from Tim and Eric

Porkins

And once again, Michael De Robbio ruins my life

And now Michael De Robbio puts the nail in the coffin that was my life

This is THE MOST OUT OF CONTROL THING I'VE EVER SEEN - hilarious and repulsive

(skip forward to the madness, the video drags the introduction out a bit)

Gav's Garden posters: Die Hard 2

2011-11-16T11:11:00.000+11:00

If you've watched our show Gav's Garden, you may have noticed some truly rancid movie posters pop up in the movie review segment with Madeleine. Pierre slaved over these posters - sometimes spending up to ten minutes on a poster. He made sure to perfectly recreate all the artistic attributes found in the stunning artwork from Hong Kong bootleg DVDs. Note the carefully badly cut out images, the inappropriate required explosions and meticulous typos. These Die Hard 2 monstrosities are from the first episode of Gav's Garden. They'd make a nice desktop background, no? More to come.

Last Week's Movie #38

2011-11-14T19:46:00.002+11:00

Con Air

(USA, 1997, Simon West)

8/10

Let's get one thing straight, Con Air is big, dumb and ridiculous with a cast of talented folks (Cage aside) at their cheesiest. It is the definition of American blockbuster cinema in 1997 - more explosions than sense and rampant stupidity. However, I'd find it hard believe that anyone watching this couldn't enjoy it at least a little bit. The plot is hilariously outrageous - Cameron Poe (Nicolas Cage), an ex-US ranger, is placed in prison for seven to ten years (!!) for what is basically self-defense. He finally is able to get out and is excited about seeing his wife and daughter. He is put on a plane with a bunch of awful criminals that are being delivered to various places. Cirus the Virus (John Malkovich) - a criminal genius and evil bastard - takes over the plane with a few other celebrity-status villains and it's up to Nic Cage to save the day.

It's amazing to see a cast of this caliber playing second fiddle to Cage. It's mind-boggling to think that Cage was such a huge star at this point - he is such an awful and ridiculous actor (I love him). Every line he delivers is over the top whether he's talking to his wife or rambling about his bunny. The terrible accent helps (or doesn't help, depending on your taste). Malkovich manages to not embarrass himself, even though he's given some pretty rancid material, and is a genuinely excellent villain. John Cusack also manages to entertain. The rest of the cast is made up of some fairly exciting actors (Danny Trejo as a rapist, anyone? Dave Chappelle?) - the standout being Steve Buscemi. Buscemi's role is bizarre - a serial killer that is given a huge introduction yet does very little. Still, this character is kind of fascinating (especially in the tea party scene with a little girl... yep) and the weird inclusion is welcome. The action in Con Air is just before that point when CGI was about to ruin stunts and action scenes once and for all. Luckily, we get a lot of real stunts and explosions. The CGI is minimal and was not too noticeable. It helps that - like everything in this movie - the action is completely absurd. We also get a wailing guitar infused score (seriously outrageous score here), lots of teeth grittingly bad lines and Nicolas Cage's horrible haircut. Con Air is not a good movie. It is a really, really stupid movie and damn, do I love it.

Drive

(USA, 2011, Nicolas Winding Refn)

8.5/10

One of the more interesting movies from 2011, Drive has certainly developed a strong following and an extremely positive reputation. I'm glad to see a film like this get some respect and it is a great film, still, it's not quite the masterpiece I expected. Ryan Gosling is a driver - both in criminal and legitimate forms - who gets mixed up in some very violent and complicated business after starting a strange relationship with his neighbour Irene (Carey Mulligan). The driver tries to help Irene's husband Standard (Oscar Isaac) settle some post-incarceration debts by pulling a robbery. Things don't go smoothly. The army of Drive supporters are quick to jump on any negative review, tearing the reviewer to shreds and claiming their complaints are to do with the film not being action-orientated enough. Well, my complaints about Drive - which I'll try to get out of the way first - are the total opposite. I loved the slow burning build of Drive and Gosling's quiet performance. Yes, the first half of the film had me by the balls. But when the story truly kicked in (post the double crossing robbery), I felt the film had a few major stumbles.

I enjoyed Drive from start to finish, but I wish it had stuck to its evenly paced approach that it began with. I found in its latter half, the film - and Gosling - would step out of character. For example, a scene where Gosling stomps a man to death seemed more stupid and funny than brutal and violent. Gosling weirdly switches from quiet and calm sociopath to violent maniac. I've heard some people complimenting these scenes, but they didn't always work for me. The brief moments of Gosling turning into an uncontrollable maniac (it wasn't every death scene - the beach murder, for example, was perfectly calm) pulled me out of the film in a big way, so much so that it made the latter half of the film feel cheap and not as meticulous as the beginning. Still, Drive has a lot going for it that almost entirely overshadows the negatives. Gosling, for the most part, is excellent, as is the supporting cast (especially Albert Brooks). The score and soundtrack are bizarre, yet somehow great. The film has a strange, almost cheesy, 80s vibe to it. The cinematography in Drive is wonderful and the film portrays driving in a way that I've never seen. It's not about cars going fast, yet somehow is so much more interesting and exciting than that - the opening scene being a great example. Drive is certainly one of the best films of the year, but perhaps not one of the best of all time as some are suggesting.

The Good Son

(USA, 1993, Joseph Ruben)

5/10

The Good Son probably had the potential to be a great movie before Hollywood sunk its yellowed teeth into Ian McEwan's script. I won't go into too much detail (it's better to hear it from McEwan himself), but I'll dish out of essentials. Novelist McEwan was hired to write a thriller about an evil child. All went well at first. McEwan was involved during pre-production, the budget was low (meaning less studio interference), the director got along well with McEwan and two child actors were cast that pleased both writer and director. Then Macaulay Culkin's dad decided that his son was to be in The Good Son. The budget skyrocketed, a more commercial director was hired, the script was rewritten and McEwan was locked out of the whole process. And so we have The Good Son as we know it. A commercial and empty movie full of sweeping crane shots, static characters and pulled punches. The plot is simple. Elijah Wood (the true star of the movie) is Mark. His mother has died and he has been sent to stay with his uncle's family for two weeks. He becomes friends with his cousin Henry (Macaulay Culkin), but soon realises his cousin is truly evil.

Macaulay Culkin is the reason this film turned out to be so mediocre, yet he is also the only reason to watch this weird slice of cinema. I remember this film well in the 90s as "that film where the kid from Home Alone swears and kills a dog". And yes, it is still an absolute trip hearing Culkin utter "don't fuck with me" with Kevin McCallister intonation and seeing him grinning at the result of a massive car he was responsible for. But Culkin can't act. He was never a good child actor. I've heard his performances referred to as mimicking rather than acting, which I completely agree with. Elijah Wood, on the other hand, is very good and delivers a true performance. The Good Son is not original in any way - everyone will be familiar with this structure of no one believes [insert character] that [insert character] is evil. But putting children in this story makes things very interesting. But unfortunately The Good Son does little with its exciting premise and is so dull and hammy that it makes you forget how messed up its concept is. There is so much potential here, so many themes and ideas to explore. Sadly, the film does little exploring and ends in such a clean cut way it's almost offensive. A watchable, but ultimately mediocre, film, The Good Son is only worth seeing for the novelty factor.

Never Take Sweets from a Stranger
aka Never Take Candy from a Stranger

(UK, 1960, Cyril Frankel)

8.5/10

A Hammer film about a child molester?! What?! How does this exist? Well, it does. And, perhaps even more surprisingly, it's really good. Never Take Sweets from a Stranger (what a title!) is as much about small town denial and cover ups as it is about pedophilia. Peter (Patrick Allen) and Sally (Gwen Watford) have moved from England to a small Canadian town with their daughter Jean (Janina Faye). Peter is settling in nicely as the town's new principal and the family gets along well with the locals. While playing with her friend Lucille, Jean loses her wallet, which contained money to buy sweets. In the search for candy, Lucille takes Jean to the house of Clarence Olderberry (Felix Aylmer). Jean returns home to casually tell her parents how Olderberry made the girls strip and dance naked for candy. Her parents, obviously shocked, take the matter to court. The town's police, Olderberry's sleazy son and even Lucille's parents warn Peter and Sally that their pursuit of Olderberry will only end badly. Being one the town's founders, Olderberry commands a lot of respect - despite his known child molesting tendencies - and Peter and Sally find out that the warnings from the locals are very accurate.

Part court room drama and part intense thriller, Never Take Sweets from a Stranger is one of best lesser known Hammer films I've seen. Shot in black and white, the film is gritty with beautiful, but stark, cinematography. The performances, as in most Hammer films, are stellar. Especially impressive is the performance from young Janina Faye and the silently horrifying Felix Aylmer. The questionable subject of pedophilia is handled with class and tact. While the reactions from the townspeople may seem a little far from today, it is not hard to believe something like this happening in a small town. Never Take Sweets from a Stranger managed to rouse a little bit of rage in me towards the attitudes of some of the characters, but I always understood each character's stance. The film is sluggish at times and its set up was a little too brisk. However, the film builds to a nail-biting conclusion that left me feeling quite exhausted. This is not a perfect film, but it is a great piece of British filmmaking that will certainly impress fans of Hammer Studios.

The Purple Rose of Cairo

(USA, 1985, Woody Allen)

9/10

I'm feeling myself being converting into a Woody Allen fan and forgetting about my intense dislike of some of his newer films. The Purple Rose of Cairo can now be counted among my favourite Allen films. Similar in some ways to his recent Midnight in Paris, The Purple Rose of Cairo is the somewhat depressing story of Cecilia (Mia Farrow). Cecilia lives during the rough times of the depression. She has an awful husband and an awful job. But she is able to escape the horrors of her everyday life through movies. The cinema is playing The Purple Rose of Cairo, which Cecilia sees and loves. She returns to the cinema and watches the film over and over, until a character from the film - Tom Baxter (Jeff Daniels) - leaves the cinema screen to save her from her dull life. The Purple Rose of Cairo is funny, sad and touching. Mia Farrow makes for a lovely lead and Jeff Daniels is simply amazing in his duel roles. Allen packs the film full of hilarious lines and his love for the movies he is playing tribute to is clear. The movie-within-a-movie seems almost genuine and, thankfully, is free from obvious sneering parody. The ending of The Purple Rose of Cairo is jaw-dropping and, while upsetting, perfect.

Gav's Garden - Episode 2: Billiards

2011-11-14T17:22:00.000+11:00

Gav's Garden screens Saturdays at 10pm on Channel 31 as part of Lost Dog TV!

Episode 2 - Billiards

directed and edited by Dave Jackson

produced by Dave Jackson and P. Lloga

written by Dave Jackson, P. Lloga and the cast

sound recording Pierre Lloga

camera Ben Usher and Dave Jackson

starring...

Gavin Murray

also featuring...

Paul Gregerson

David Jackson

Madeleine Jackson

Madeleine Tucker

soundtrack...

"Gav's Garden theme song"

composed and performed by Ben Usher

Gav's Garden - Episode 1: Rocks

2011-11-14T17:18:00.001+11:00

Gav's Garden screens Saturdays at 10pm on Channel 31 as part of Lost Dog TV!

Episode 1 - Rocks

directed and edited by Dave Jackson

produced by Dave Jackson and P. Lloga

written by Dave Jackson, P. Lloga and the cast

sound recording Pierre Lloga

camera Ben Usher and Dave Jackson

starring...
Gavin Murray

also featuring...
James Arnold-Garvey
Justin Durrant
Paul Gregerson
Brok Power
Madeleine Tucker

soundtrack...
"Gav's Garden theme song"
composed and performed by Ben Usher

Funnies of the Week #48

2011-11-11T16:17:00.001+11:00

It's like a Tim and Eric skit

This video makes me happy on many levels

A new goodie from cyriak

Brilliant feline brilliance

This is possibly the most insane thing De Robbio has sent me

Well... at least he's honest

MODERN GENTLEMEN: Ridiculous sale on all three issues!

2011-11-10T15:31:00.001+11:00

Hey! Hey! Hey, friends! If you don't have a copy of the filthiest comic in town - Modern Gentlemen - now is your chance to swipe all three issues for practically bloody nothing! Issues 1 and 2 are going for a stupid 1 effin' dollar! And even issue 3 is down from $7 to $3. If you order more than one issue, you'll get a pretty big shipping discount too. Issue 1 is almost sold out, so this is probably your last chance to pick it up. I'm going to run this sale through November and maybe December. Modern Gentlemen makes a good Christmas present for sons, dads, hipsters (who enjoy it ironically), lady friends and boyfriends. Or you could just buy a few and bin 'em so no one has to be ruined by them.

Click below for the online store...

Last Week's Movies #37

2011-11-07T21:26:00.001+11:00

Brother of Darkness
aka Ti tian xing dao zhi sha xiong

(Hong Kong, 1994, Billy Tang)

7.5/10

Billy Tang is a pretty decent director. Every film I've seen of his has been a slick and stylish piece of filth - Red to Kill was a particular standout ranking among Hong Kong's nastiest. Brother of Darkness is nothing new. The plot is full of what you'd expect in a Hong Kong Cat III - impotence, rape, attempted rape and child abuse. Ho Ka-Kui, once again, plays a ridiculously over the top villain. Essentially, he's rehashing his role from Daughter of Darkness, except here he is making his brother's life hell instead of his daughter's. You see, Ka-Kui is the bad seed of his family. Brother of Darkness consists of a series of scenes with Ka-Kui being let out of prison and coming back to ruin his family's life then getting put back in prison. In an early scene, he punches his brother (Hugo Ng) - just a kid at the time - in the dick so hard that it makes him impotent. His adopted (and now impotent brother) grows up to be a gentle tough guy who tries to hold back dishing out the violence on his psychotic brother. That proves difficult when Ka-Kui drives his mother to attempted suicide and tries to rape his brother's lady friend (Lily Chung).

If you've seen any Hong Kong Cat III shocker of this type, you know exactly where the film's going. Hell, even if you haven't, it's not hard to work out. Brother of Darkness has a similar structure to Daughter of Darkness, despite the movies being unrelated other than sharing a few cast members. The film begins with our hero brother on trial for the murder of the evil brother and we are told the story in flashbacks. While it may seem that this structure ruins any twists that may appear, it actually works quite well. Even without the flashback structure, the death of the evil brother in the film's finale is clearly inevitable. Brother of Darkness has a fairly impressive cast of sleazeballs. Ho Ka-Kai does what he does best and is given more screen time than usual. He is as over the top as ever as he punches and rapes his way through the film. Lily Chung is also a welcome treat. Like Ho Ka-Kai, she seemed to make a career out of playing the same character... only playing the victim instead. Hugo Ng is decent enough in the starring role and even, rather embarrassingly, shows his tiny flaccid penis onscreen. Yikes! This is not the meanest or the most violent Cat III I've seen, but the film's payoff is at least satisfying. Tang directs Brother of Darkness with his usual flair - filling the screen with nonstop distorted close ups and bizarre lighting. The way the film was shot reminded me of early Peter Jackson films. Brother of Darkness is a good and thoroughly watchable Cat III.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

(USA, 1977, Steven Spielberg)

8.5/10

I'm not a huge Spielberg fan but he is what he is. There's no denying the man knows how to make a hugely entertaining commercial blockbuster and while I don't like many of his films, there are a few that I love. Jaws is one of my favourite movies and the first two Indiana Jones films are childhood favourites that I still enjoy. Close Encounters of the Third Kind is amongst Spielberg's best and is quite fascinating in its presentation and themes. The film is surprisingly deliberately paced - something I did not appreciate as a child! - and shows a very take on the aliens-visiting-Earth scenario. That is really what makes this film work - this is not an alien invasion film. It looks at the wonderment that could be rather than terror. Sadly, that inspired many real life saddos to morph into alien worshiping dorks obsessed with pumping out the famous Close Encounters tune in order to communicate with aliens. Urgh. I won't spend much longer on Close Encounters. Enough has been said about it already. Dreyfuss is great in the lead and it's a bizarre thrill to see Truffaut in a major role. The effects are stunning and look way better than the CGI silliness Spielberg loves these days. And the ending - depending on which version you see, of course - is perfection. Close Encounters is a great film.

Daughter of Darkness 2
aka Mie men can an II jie zhong

(Hong Kong, 1994, Kai Ming Lai)

6/10

If you've seen the horrifyingly jarring Daughter of Darkness, there's not much need to endure the sequel. But, if like me, you want to see how depraved Hong Kong cinema gets, Daughter of Darkness 2 may be for you. Much like the dreadful original, Daughter of Darkness 2 is told in flashbacks and is the story of a girl who murders a family (this time not her own). Also like the original, the present day scenes with idiotic policemen attempting to solve the crime is played for the goofiest of laughs and the flashback scenes are dark, violent and disturbing. Overall, Daughter of Darkness is probably a more offensive movie than this sequel. But the sequel contains some pretty awful stuff. There is an absolutely abhorrent shower scene involving a coat hanger and any scene with Ho Ka-Kui (once again playing a raping madman) and his disgusting son provide plenty of head-shaking moments. Perhaps more offensive than the sick stuff is the horrible comedy. The comedy in this surpasses the stupidity of the original with idiocy that has to be seen to be believed. A cum-drenched mango and a room full of men masturbating into pots are just a few examples of the comedy brilliance on display. Daughter of Darkness 2 is certainly not a good film but I'd say it's a must for fans of the nasty dregs of Hong Kong cinema.

Enter the Void

(France, 2009, Gaspar Noé)

10/10

It's rare that a film blows my balls off as hard as Enter the Void did. Enter the Void is Gaspar Noé's amazing followup to the grim piece of cinema that is Irreversible (a film that I cannot bring myself to watch a second time). The film follows Oscar, an American living in Tokyo. Shot from Oscar's point of view, we open with him discussing the Tibetan Book of the Dead with his sister before entering a drug haze. He leaves to sell some drugs at a bar called The Void. And... that's all I want to say. This should be seen fresh. I was wondering why it took Noé so long to make another film. Until I watched this. Enter the Void is a staggering work of genius both visually and thematically - no wonder it took him so damn long to make. This is beyond a movie, this is an experience. I've heard complaints that this film is self-indulgent, pretentious and overlong. Yes, this film is certainly self-indulgent and it is very long but I really didn't mind. Enter the Void is perfect as far as I'm concerned. The length of the film and stretches without narrative were entirely necessary in representing Oscar's point of view. And self-indulgent, of course, but sometimes you need self-indulgent filmmaking to show you something new. I believe Noé is also one of the few directors that knows how to use CGI - it is here to enhance what is already there and to make camera movements seamless. Enter the Void will be a frustrating watch for most and you certainly need to be in the right mood to watch it. But personally, I think this is a masterpiece.

The Eternal Evil of Asia
aka Nan yang shi da xie shu

(Hong Kong, 1995, Man Kei Chin)

7/10

Yup, another Cat III Hong Konger. The Eternal Evil of Asia doesn't quite deserve its Cat III rating but it's still a bit of fun. A bunch of Hong Kong idiots are being hunted down by a furious wizard (Ben Ng) after they accidentally killed his sister in Thailand. The main idiot's lady friend (Ellen Chan) and Lily Chung try to stop the wizard. Cue lots of goofy death scenes and a truly outrageous finale. There's a lot to like in The Eternal Evil of Asia and those unfamiliar with how weird Hong Kong can get would probably be quite blown away. I'm a little jaded when it comes to Hong Kong nuttiness but even I can appreciate a man being turned into a literal dickhead, the film's amazing opening dream sequence/family being murdered scene and, of course, Ben Ng channeling his character from Red to Kill. The film is shot nicely and has a few decent (albeit over the top) performances. Technically, this is one of the better Cat III films. But it's not as memorable as some of the bad, but crazier, ones.

Halloween

(USA, 1978, John Carpenter)

10/10

Halloween was my first introduction to John Carpenter - one of my favourite filmmakers - and a film that pointed me towards an obsession with the horror genre. Though it's not all nostalgia when it comes to my praise of Halloween. Halloween deserves its fame and reputation. I believe it is the best slasher film ever made. Not to mention one of the first. Sure, it borrows elements from the opening of Black Christmas and is, of course, heavily influenced by Psycho and the giallo genre. But this has Carpenter written all over it - the beautiful wide-angled shots and the iconic score are enough to tell you that. Michael Myers is truly a scary figure; this was before sequels ruined him. I'm usually all for slasher sequels but I really don't enjoy the Halloween ones. Perhaps it's because the original is so damn good that adding sequels seems offensive. Well, not really, the real offense is the fucking Rob Zombie remake(s). Stick to the Carpenter original and stay away from that nu-horror shit.

Midnight in Paris

(USA, 2011, Woody Allen)

10/10

I've said quite a few nasty things about Woody Allen on this blog. I haven't been a fan of his films from the past decade - Melinda and Melinda and Vicky Cristina Barcelona being the prime offenders. But Midnight in Paris reminded me that he is an amazing filmmaker when he wants to be. I'm no Woody expert, I've seen only a handful of his classic films, but this is the best film I've seen by him and by far my favourite movie of the year. And I can't imagine I'll enjoy anything more than this. I've been thinking about this film all week since seeing it and I'm feeling withdrawals from it. I need to see it again! On paper, it sounds kind of awful. Owen Wilson is Gil, a Hollywood writer trying to be a novelist. Gil is visiting Paris with his bitchy fiance (Rachel McAdams) and her awful parents. When trying to find his way back to his hotel - alone and tipsy - he takes a moment to rest on some Parisian steps at midnight only to be taken back to the 1920s to meet his literary and artistic heroes.

I should really hate Midnight in Paris. The concept seems so cheesy and awful but it is presented with such dignity and passion by Allen that any hint of ham is swept away. Owen Wilson - an actor that is very hit or miss (mostly miss) - is fantastic in the lead. He is not trying to channel Woody Allen, as many Allen leads seem to do, and is incredibly likable. McAdams and Michael Sheen are perfectly obnoxious yet totally realistic. The rest of the cast is filled out with many wonderful actors - Kathy Bates and Adrien Brody were particular standouts. Midnight in Paris captures the spirit of Paris perhaps better than any film I've seen. And the message of the film rang true without feeling forced. Despite everything it has going for it, I was trying to work out why this film affected me as much as it did. I realised this film is my fantasy film. Or more broadly, a fantasy film for book, art and music nerds. While some may be carried away with Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, the fantasy Allen presents in Midnight in Paris is far more appealing to me. I can't wait to see this film again.

Rats: Night of Terror
aka Rats - Notte di terrore
aka Blood Kill

(Italy, 1984, Bruno Mattei)

8/10

Rather than review Bruno Mattei's masterwork of shit Rats: Night of Terror, I thought I'd list some things you might enjoy in the film:

1. A group of clean-cut looking post-apocalyptic punks (you know the type)

2. An endless supply of rats

3. A scene in an abandoned bar where a punk refers to a rat as a "customer" and throws a beer at it

4. Imagine this line of dialogue with the campest voice you can possibly muster (yet spoken by one of the tough punks): "That's how our water gets [add an awkward pause before screaming] polluted! Shit! You're gonna make us sick!"

5. A punk holding a flamethrower ready to fire on a bunch of docile rats and saying "I'm gonna warm your whiskers"

6. Two characters fucking in a sleeping bag in front of the entire gang of punks, while the cast shouts nonsensical one-liners at them

7. A gratuitous tit shot followed by a gratuitous dick shot

8. The worst leader of a gang presented in a film ever

9. A guy that looks (and kind of acts) like Matt Berry

10. A rat-man

Swamp Girl

(USA, 1971, Donald A. Davis)

8/10

Swamp Girl is far better than it should be. This is a gentle hicksploitation film with a goofy theme song and - I'm assuming - a tiny budget. Why is it good?! I'm so confused. Just writing the plot down is going to make it sound terrible. White swamp girl Janeen (Simone Griffeth) was raised by a black guy she calls pop. Turns out she was nearly sold into white slavery but her fake dad saved her. They've been living hidden away from the world in the swamp for years. Unfortunately, some local scumbags see her trying (and failing) to save a dying man but assume she's responsible for his death. The swamp ranger (Ferlin Husky) finds her and warns her she may have to confront the real world, while an escaped female criminal and her idiot boyfriend make even more trouble in the swamp. Swamp Girl is not brilliantly shot, nor is it particularly exciting. It is, however, surprisingly heartwarming with great naturalistic performances from the whole cast. I found this film weirdly hypnotic and found myself hooked on Janeen's story. I genuinely wanted to know what would happen next - as obvious as it may of been. Swamp Girl is one of Something Weird Video's most surprising and interesting releases. Check it out.

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
aka Mujeres al borde de un ataque de nervios

(Spain, 1988, Pedro Almodóvar)

8.5/10

Almodóvar is one of those directors that I've accidentally missed, having only seen - weirdly enough - Broken Embraces. I thought it was about time I started plowing through his filmography. I thought I'd start with what I guess is his most famous film (or, at least, one of his more commercial films) - Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. I can see why the film was a huge hit for him - it has a stellar cast, it's tackily beautiful, it's weirdly relate-able and, most importantly, it's very funny. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown follows the trail of destruction left by Iván (Fernando Guillén) - a man with a few too many love interests - as he plans a holiday with a mystery woman. More specifically, Almodóvar focuses on Pepa (Carmen Maura) - Iván's mistress and a television celebrity - the film opens with her waking up to a farewell note from her ex-lover. While the whole cast is great, Maura carries this film wonderfully. I really enjoyed her performance. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown is a strange comedy. The plot is somewhat screwball and very soap opera. It's somehow extremely exaggerated yet oddly realistic. I had a good time with this one... now onto the rest of Almodóvar's films!

Funnnies of the Week #47

2011-11-04T14:39:00.000+11:00

This is unbelievable - a work of brilliant anti-comedy?

Fuck you, De Robbio, for ruining my week with this one

And thank you, De Robbio, for making it okay again with this one

I think I remember this ad

Stupid stoner Turtles

And don't get caught wanking in public

Gav's Garden poster and trailer

2011-11-01T18:02:00.000+11:00

Pierre and I have a new show hitting Channel 31 and YouTube this weekend. In place of Fever Dreams, which ended Saturday, will be Gav's Garden. Gav's Garden is a spin-off of the Japanese episode of Fever Dreams, where the Gav character featured briefly. The show is set in 1993 and is a parody of horrible community television lifestyle programs. We tried to film and edit it as quickly as possible and ran it through VHS to give it that special rancid look of the worst of yesteryear's television. Characters include Gavin Gurray (our host and gardening specialist who does very little gardening), Dr. Josh Groban (a doctor with an interesting fetish), Madeleine Berkovitz (movie reviewer), Paul Bamahusker (celebrity impersonator extraordinaire), Ivan Scrab (a chef of the highest order) and several other one-off guest stars. This show is pretty far removed from the insanity of Fever Dreams and we spent far less time making it - five episodes shot over three days... the time we'd spend filming one episode of Fever Dreams - but hopefully it will deliver a chuckle or two. Trailer below.

As an added bonus, here is Paul's promotional video for the show:

Last Week's Movies #36

2011-10-31T19:11:00.000+11:00

Fascination

(France, 1979, Jean Rollin)
9/10

I think it's fair to say that Fascination is considered Jean Rollin's best film by most fans. It's easy to see why. It's coherent, while still artful. And it's fairly fast-paced - at least for Rollin - but does not lose his visual sense. It would make a great introduction to Jean Rollin's work. However, personally, I don't think it's his best film. I think his best is Lips of Blood and I'd rank quite a few others above Fascination too. Nonetheless, Fascination is great. The plot begins simply enough - a man (Jean-Marie Lemaire) is on the run for stealing cash from a bunch of gangsters. He hides out in an old castle that is occupied by only two girls - Eva (Brigitte Lahaie) and Elisabeth (Franca Mai). The girls seem innocent enough at first, but then things get a little weird. Elisabeth tries to warn the man about the other guests that are showing up later in the night.

Fascination is perhaps Rollin's best looking film, or at least equal to The Iron Rose. The castle location is spectacular with its dangerous looking bridge looming over a huge moat. Rollin's cinematography is better than it has ever been creating a feverish atmosphere throughout the film. There are many classic images to be found in Fascination - Lahaie holding the scythe dressed in only a robe is a very famous moment and for good reason. The cast works well. Both Lemaire and Mai are very watchable, but Brigitte Lahaie is the real showstopper. The ex-porn star is brilliant and hypnotic in this role. The film also flows surprisingly well. It builds to a reasonably chilling conclusion that is suitably Rollin. There's not much to complain about. I guess some might find it too slow or the dialogue a little silly. Jean Rollin films do seem to be a love it or hate it affair. Still, I'd be surprised if anyone could hate this one.

Her Vengeance

aka Xue mei gui
(Hong Kong, 1988, Lam Ngai Kai)
8/10

Another great film from the director of Story of Ricky and completely different in style and tone, Her Vengeance is nasty and serious affair. While I usually applaud Hong Kong for its sickening and stupid mix of evil imagery and irritating goofball comedy, I appreciated that Her Vengeance played things straight. This is a rape revenge movie that feels closer to a Euro revenge flick than your typical Hong Kong madness. The story is basic - girl gets gang raped, girl gets AIDs (I think it's meant to be aids, although the doctor claims it can be cured with a lot of money... uh, what?), girl gets revenge. Thankfully, the rape scene is short - this is not I Spit On Your Grave - but unpleasant enough to allow the audience to get behind the girl's path of gory revenge. Pauline Wong Siu Fung is very good as Chieh Ying, the girl out for revenge, as is her wheelchair bound protector played by Lam Ching Ying (who gets to do some very cool legless fighting in the film). The revenge in Her Vengeance is nothing special, but wholly watchable. The film never gets boring, but the real reason to stick with this one is the incredible and brutal finale that is perfectly choreographed. I was seriously impressed with the film's ending. A very respectable entry in both Lam Ngai Kai's filmography and the always dodgy rape revenge genre. Make sure you watch it uncut, there is a really badly butchered DVD.

Killing Car

(France, 1993, Jean Rollin)
7/10

Killing Car is not going to convert anyone into a Rollin appreciator. In fact, I'm sure Rollin haters would happily use this one as fodder against fans. I get it. There's truth in all the negative reviews - the film is cheap looking, repetitive and contains some pretty ridiculous dialogue. Not to mention the weird references to The Maltese Falcon. Killing Car is practically plot free. A woman (Tiki Tsang) kills people and leaves a toy car as a calling sign - repeat until her reasoning is revealed. Despite its simplicity, I found myself drawn into Tiki Tsang's revenge. For starters, Tsang is great in the lead. She's one of my favourite Rollin leads, despite only appearing in this one. Killing Car is also a surprisingly emotional affair, if you can keep your mind open and ignore some of the film's sillier moments. There is a constant flow of action and despite the cheap TV movie look, I could still see Rollin shining through in the visual department. That's what it has going for it for true fans of Jean Rollin - despite the film's flaws, the film is unmistakeably Rollin. I dug it, but it would be a terrible place to start watching his films.

Raging Bull

(USA, 1980, Martin Scorsese)
9/10

I'm pretty ashamed to say that this was my first viewing of Scorsese's Raging Bull. It's a film I should have seen a long time ago, but I'm glad I've finally watched it. I won't go into much detail. There's an endless supply of reviews that would be far, far more comprehensive than anything that I could blubber out. I will say that Raging Bull was nothing like what I expected it to be. I had no idea that the film's focus was on Jake LaMotta's paranoia and pathetic downfall rather than his boxing. DeNiro is amazing in the lead - possibly his finest performance. It's depressing what a hack he has become these days. Pesci is equally brilliant, especially considering this is first real film role (I don't count The Death Collector). And of course, Scorsese shoots the film with unbeatable skill. A great film that lives up to its reputation. It's also really bloody depressing.

Red State

(USA, 2011, Kevin Smith)
7.5/10

I'm not really sure where I stand with Kevin Smith. I used to worship the guy and I still consider Clerks one of my favourite comedies. While I like, and even love, some of his other films, I don't think he ever topped Clerks. And since Jersey Girl, he's made nothing but stinkers. I've never seen Smith as much of a director. He has no visual signature other than a complete lack of style. And he gives his actors no room to move past his script. I often wonder why he doesn't stick to writing. All that changes with Red State. Red State is far from perfect, but it's the most interesting film Smith has made since Clerks. Red State is Smith's first foray - and maybe last, he claims he's retired - in a genre outside of comedy (unless you count the dramedy garbage of Jersey Girl). Red State is loosely based on the Westboro Baptist Church... you know, the "God Hates Fags" idiots. Three teenagers think they are off to get laid when they respond to an internet dating site. Only it's a trap set by a bunch of religious nuts. To say anymore would ruin the experience.

Red State sits somewhere between thriller and horror and Smith comes close to pulling it off. The first thirty minutes of the film are incredibly strong. The set up works well and the scenes are intense. Michael Parks is at the top of his game as the leader of the religious nuts and Smith allows him to run wild with the role. In fact, it feels like Smith has loosened his grip on his cast for once. You can hear the Smith style dialogue, but the actors seem more comfortable in delivering it. Gone is the wooden line reading of some of his previous work. Smith, or his cinematographer, inject the film with some fairly impressive style (although the editing gets a bit choppy for my liking). Yep, thirty minutes in, I was very excited and thought that Smith had magically become a brilliant new filmmaker. But things get a bit messy along the way as Red State changes tone scene by scene eventually morphing itself into a fairly obvious political comment. The film is never bad, but it never lives up to its intense opening. Smith blows it with some lengthy exposition scenes. But it's the truly terrible CGI gore that really bugged me - it made the film feel cheap. As the credits rolled, I wasn't sure how I felt about Red State, but I'm happy to see Smith trying something new. And I really hope he makes another film and sticks to this new found style.

Fever Dreams - Episode 8: Fully Grown Babies

2011-10-31T17:55:00.001+11:00

This is the last episode of Fever Dreams, which screened on Channel 31 as part of Lost Dog TV! Look out next week for our new show... Gav's Garden!

EPISODE 8 - Fully Grown Babies

directed and edited by Dave Jackson

written and produced by Dave Jackson and P. Lloga

art direction P. Lloga

cinematography Dave Jackson

sound recording Ben Usher, P. Lloga

costumes Taena Hoshi

starring...
James Arnold-Garvey

Brok Power

also featuring...
Joe Coen
Michael De Robbio
P. Lloga

Soundtrack...
"Fever Dreams Theme"
composed and performed by Glen Lloyd

"リセヱンヌ"
composed by 松永天馬
performed by Urbangarde アーバンギャルド

"Deviance Perfected"
composed by Steve Steinberg
performed by A Sin Within

"もえつきたいの"
composed by マリアンヌ東雲
performed by Kinoco Hotel キノコホテル

Dedicated to John Waters
(our favourite bad influence)