Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Super Mario Queef

The other night Pierre and I thought it would be a good idea to watch the Super Mario Bros. motion picture despite a stern warning from my Mario fanboy housemate. For some reason, I had this idea that it was going to be an entertaining bad-but-nostalgic treat in the vein of Howard the Duck. Oh how I was wrong. What a disgrace! Mario Bros. is one of the most dull and generally unpleasant viewing experiences of my life. No wonder Bob Hoskins was quoted as saying this:

"The worst thing I ever did? Super Mario Brothers. It was a fuckin' nightmare. The whole experience was a nightmare. It had a husband-and-wife team directing, whose arrogance had been mistaken for talent. After so many weeks their own agent told them to get off the set! Fuckin' nightmare. Fuckin' idiots." - Bob Hoskins

Please note... HUSBAND-AND-WIFE TEAM! Does it get anymore repulsive than that?! Extra tidbit: Apparently the husband poured hot coffee over an extra at one point because he didn't like his costume. Thankfully they've done practically nothing after the turd of Mario Bros.


Selected awful things about this movie:

1. Husband and wife directing team. I can't emphasize this enough.

2. Dennis Hopper plays King Koopa (as in Bowser). He is possibly the least threatening villain ever put to film and has a haircut that would induce bed wetting in any child under the age of thirteen.

3. The Mario Brothers are barely in the fucking movie! They wear their iconic costumes in the last ten minutes. I don't even know why or where they got the costumes from because by this point I couldn't hear the film over my own screaming. Note: Apparently Luigi's full name is "Luigi Mario", guess what Mario's is?

4. Mojo Nixon plays Toad yet he doesn't look like a mushroom at all... he looks like a rockabilly fuckhead. He gets turned into a dino-headed-dork by King Koopa that grins like a douche constantly. Mojo should never act again and stick to his rockabilly shtick.

Oh! So that's what goombas look like in live action...

5. The film opens with the following narration (in a thick Brooklyn accent):
"A long long time ago, the Earth was ruled by dinosaurs. They were big, so not a lot of people went around hassling 'em. Actually, no people went around hassling 'em cuz there weren't any people yet. Just the first tiny mammals. Basically, life was good. Then something happened: a giant meteorite struck the Earth. Goodbye dinosaurs! But what if the dinosaurs weren't all destroyed? What if the impact of that meteor created a parallel dimension where the dinosaurs continued to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, and aggressive beings... just like us? And hey, what if they found a way back?" Yep.

6. The film looks like it's trying to be some sort of post apocalyptic flick and at the same time attempts to be a "fun" kiddie film... it fails on both accounts. It comes across as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sequel without the turtles... or entertainment factor. It still has the pizza jokes though. Urgh.

7. This is the sort of movie that when you tell someone you don't like it they'll tell you to "lighten up, man, it's just a bit of fun". No, man, it is not fun. In fact it's quite the opposite. People that say horrible rubbish like that are idiots and should be exterminated.

8. Yoshi looks like a Jurassic Park reject:

9. I would rather watch a cheap cash in remake of [insert any film that shouldn't be remade] starring Kelsey Grammer, Robin Williams, Ray Romano, Bill Cosby, Fran Drescher and Rob Schnieder that's directed by Brett Ratner than this shit.

10. This film was apparently played on repeat to torture potential terrorists at Guantanamo Bay.

Fuck this shitty shitty movie. A curse on directors Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton. Every time someone watches this film a little part of the world dies. This film is responsible for global warming, swine flu, born again Christians and date rape. This film created Gordon Ramsey and killed Stanley Kubrick. When it premiered, suicides in Japan rose to record levels. The celluloid used during production was shat out of Jim Belushi's rotten anus after seven years of free love in Tibet. Every critic that reviewed this film required counseling... some just burnt their eyeballs out. Plumbers quit their jobs because they were being targeted by angry youths. And most importantly, Mario and Luigi still cry themselves to sleep when they think of Super Mario Bros: The Motion Picture.

Watch the trailer if you dare:

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

BEST. MOVIE. EVER. LOL.

Daniel Inglese said...

I remember seeing this in the cinema as a young impressionable kid. I've never been sexually molested before, but I'm guessing it would feel exactly like watching super mario bros.